Because The Computer Is Laughing At Me....

I am getting what I have come to know as "The Circle Of Life" across my computer screen...and when that happens at work there is literally nothing I can do since we have become a "paperless" company...wanna know the true irony of that?  It was my idea...  I was the one that went into the offices of the people that make the decisions and stated that we were drowning in our own paper fecal waste and it was a travesty and we needed to end this now...  that was 9 years ago.. 9 years ago when the computer went down at work I caught up on filing and helped other people do projects that required a certain amount of paper and paperwork.... now...nothing... eerything stops when the circle of life starts turning and doesnt stop...and thanks to the situation at the ports we are not bringing in any products so we can not bill any products so we can not collect money on any products so who is supposed to pay the IT to go fix these machines?  Circle of Life...

I know there are worse things going on in the world today so I refuse to say that the last nearly two weeks has been devastating but you know what...  to us in our situtation in our shoes it certainly felt devastating... our music hard drive fell to a harsh death on a tile floor and the data can not be recovered... the new car suffered at the wrath of an unrelenting pothole that required a completely new tire... the car i drove to work instead had maintance required lights a go-go...  so i basically SHAT 900 bucks what with planned and unplanned doctor visits and car shite.  Wonderful.  Our tax refund is already on its way and we cant help but redefine its parameters.  The jump it will give our savings account is very much welcome.  Everytime i look at the now much lower balance due to inclimate weather i throw up in my mouth a little...everytime.

Just now i went and checked to make sure...yep..still vomit worthy.

But hey, not a lot of people can say "I had a problem and I handled it right away," right? Right. 

But it would be nice if Thing 1 had told us right away she thought she broke her wrists so we could get her into her dr right away and that xrays could have been taken right away...instead of drawing this out for 10 days...  a blue cast on the left arm later and we are half way to healing.  Seeing your kid in a cast is not something I recommend, for the record. 

The house is as "together" as its going to be for right now.  Not that money is the issue, i decided when it comes to the house, screw it and write the checks...no its the discombobulation that comes with having the house upside down.  I dont like that. The kids arent fans and neither is the mister.  So we are waiting on further house To Do Lists.

I have mentioned before we do not do Valentines Day and with Thing 1 getting older is more and more apparent that she notices this trend.  We decided that we are going to make Valentines Day family day.  So now, there will be a bad ass home cooked meal and baked goodies of the red heart persuasion and maybe a stuffed animal and stickers for the kiddies.  Thing 1 likes the stuff...she likes the ambiance of the hearts and cupids.  And although she understands after explaination that her dad and I dont need one day a year to show our love and appreciation, doesnt mean that there arent some cute things to be had during that one time a year.

Chugging along with my Goodreads and my cross stitch..  So glad my cousin lit that fire for me again.  Hers are those dirty double entenďras kinds of cross stitching whereas mine are slightly more tame, but its a nice break from crochet which I also am still doing.  I blame the tablet for the poor grammar due entirely to the fact that I am not used to this tiny keyboard yet.  I have been eye balling a slightly larger and much more capabel tablet as of late, but seein as how devastating our week was and the end of last year I will probably wait on that for awhile later.

Choni has some great ideas to expand his production business and might start focusing on his you tube channel.  The stadium just picked him up for another year and with the weather we are experiencing here right now it is a wonder why I cant just up and go to a ball game tomorrow!  Seriously, I now the East is buried in snow, but its equally unnatural to be out on a beautifully sunny day and theres no baseball to speak of...none... zero.  Its sad. I hate it.  Im sure we'll find ways to fill our time, though.

Anyhoo, thats all from this end.  With all the Choni storyboarding his new project there hasnt been much Dream Casting talk lately which is a little sad when I think about it, but when I think about his project he is working on I love it.  He is so excited about it and the excitement is so contagious that even though we had a shitty week I still dont really feel that bad.

I wonder though if what I do feel is residual... or maybe thats not the right word.  Maybe obligatory...because when bad shit happens we are groomed to feel shitty about it... but you know what?  I am really tired of feeling shitty.  I am.  I wanted to cry and get mad over Thing 1s arm(s)...but in the same breathe I was thinking how tired I am of feeling shitty...so heres to not feeling shitty and just getting over stuff that you have zero control over and rolling with the punches ever so slightly more than before.  Work is crazy insane and my time is getting more and more eaten up life things...  and again... I notice,, but Im not upset.

But I am a litte and I have to ask myself am I upset out of obligation or am i truly upset about it?  Sometimes it feels like if I dont get upset about not blogging, does that make me flakey to be so flippant about something I started and am not finishing?  But there is no FINISH, there is just END.  One day I will end this when I feel like, when it is time to move on...and the reason i do it is because I have a voice that is hard to be heard when I am in an office 9 hours a day and on the road an hour and a half a day and with my kids three hours and then dedicating the remaining hour to my sweet darling mr. Other half...  I tried writing for myself again, but it hurts my hands SOmuch more than actually typing things out...and my brain has an issue with typing things and not sending them into the void... so one day i will get over all my crazy and do something else.. 

And if any of that made sense, you might want to see a psychiatrist...  not that I would know anything about that...

Happy Thursday and have a pleasant tomorrow...

Dirty House, Crazy Mary...

...that's not fair...my house is not dirty...but did you ever get yourself into the frame of mind that no matter how well anything goes, or how clean anything is...it's not clean... because you're mind makes it dirty... because your feels make it dirty...  because when you are not feeling the bestest and brightest...nothing is bright or best enough...

Thing 2 is crazy... it's not terrible 2's.. (pun intended) it's just her nature...she's a tornado of force and she is going to win... We pick our battles and I agree we are winning the war... but with the cluster-fuckery of last night...I mean REALLY?!?!

She's kind of a metaphorical bi-polar tornado of Dorothy Gale and The Wicked Witch of the East...  She tried to drop a house on her sister... you know, those Little People?  We have the Little People house... Thing 2 picked it up and tried to literally drop it on her sister while she was lying on the couch...  Houses and bruises and fights, OH MY!

What was really happening, she was smothering her with a day full of love that she has to push into a three hour period...  and when the summer comes, and they are together forever (forever only lasts from memorial day weekend to August 11th this year)...  they'll be sick of eachother...  Fine.

I feel like my toes are broken, I stubbed them BAD into the ottoman last night while carpet skiing across the living room care of a freshly discarded picture book.. yay me.  Between "Get OFF ME!"'s, and "Be QUIET"'s, and "I'm THIRSTY!"'s, and shit that popped off about something that I was hoping was dead and gone that won't stop rearing it's ugly, smug, egotistical, maniacal head...  I was done... I had to get an Ice pack for my foot... thing 2 thought it was her duty to pull it off my foot because it doesn't belong there, right?  15 minutes of agony and excruciatingly cold water and elevating, the foot was not swollen, it "looked" fine, but I needed pain killers to sleep... and I didn't even sleep cause the shit that popped off made my mind go like a freight train, and I don't know why I put myself through that every time that same old shit comes up... because nothing ever happens with it...because I'm not a coward...and that person is... nuff said?  Nuff said...

I said all that to say this...Amongst all that...nestled in the dank swamp of last night's events... was Thing 1's report card...  She has exceeded her Spring goals and has met her goals going into 4th grade next year.  Not only that, but it has been recommended when she starts 4th grade, they start her at 5th grade curriculum.  Her state test scores showed she tests at a 5th grade level...  OH my...  there is always a light at the end of the tunnel...and for this, she got to stay up and have a treat, watch some of a show with me and daddy and go to sleep after a much needed shower... she got her alone time...  priceless reward for such a good report card.  The behavior report was exceeds expectations and her participation was also.  That must be residual, me n choni weren't like that...  grandparents are to thank for that, I have no doubt 'bout it...  So now, my actual not so dirty house has an awesome husband who is trying to bring my car back to life after two days of battery issues because this here genius didn't turn the headlights off when we got our first afternoon in a LONG ASS TIME of dark cloudy weather and mist.. awesome... I am driving our van, our "new" car...  our newest car is 8 years old...  that's funny to me. Can't tell you why but it makes me laugh...  Hopefully not much longer... hopefully we will be downsizing when the next big Sale Weekend happens...  Been thinking on this one for MONTHS and I think we finally have it figured...Come end of May, Mama's got a brand new bag...

This morning I am lagging ass, coffee be damned...soda is next on the list... no walk, due to weather and toes.. still keeping an eye on them, foot is elevated and I am using the ice pack from lunch...  my lunch is safely nestled in the confines of our work fridge...  yay...  and I am still very proud of my Thing1... I think I need to save all this healthy worry I worked up for having my first child go to school... I have a feeling I'll need it in a few more years... hrmph...

Luckily, it's wednesday...and as much as I would like to think that I don't have much to do today because I don't have much to do and not because my boss FORGOT to give me my work... I'm going to enjoy my delusion while it lasts...  I gotta go, it's Dr. Pepper o'clock...

You Can't Take It With You...

It's a new year and with that, a new budget, and with that, new worry and stress...

But one of my new mantra's for this year is "You Can't Take It With You"...

That can be a dangerous line of thinking for some people, but the way that I keep the belts tight around my house...THAT can be just as dangerous...

I love my best friends, they're exactly the people that a person needs to keep their head on straight.  They BOTH asked me"Why are you being SUCH a tight wad? What are you saving for?"

And they're both right, nothing really.  Retirement, but now I have a 401k and after one year of rolling on it, I'm ready to bump up my percentage and the fact that I was able to save what I was able to save last year speaks volumes for our spending habits and our ability to save money while still entertaining ourselves and feeding and clothing...

That being said, I am very excited about our upcoming vacation... weekend off really, but for us it'll be a full blown vacation.  We don't do this, ever...  It takes me back to the days when we were together, not married, but living together...and it's been stronger lately due SOLELY to the fact that we recently repainted our bathroom.  You may or may not know, but you know when you get into a new apartment and they repaint and there's the new paint smell, covering the OLD apartment smell, but there's that new paint smell for awhile?  And it takes forever for the scents in your future to kill it?  Yeah, it smells like that in my bedroom right now.  And it's pretty wonderful.  Takes me back to a place that was wonderful...when everything was SO NEW and SO EXCITING...  our first cable bill was something to dine out on, seriously... getting our first decorations for our first holidays together... so exciting...and that spring clean air is back with a vengeance.  It also doesn't help that we are experiencing more like a spring with the weather.  Winter is no more, and our brains are fried due to it.  Because seriously, we are NOT happy with the warm.  We want rain, we want cold... there's a drought a looming..and it's really ominous for us right now... 

We are so not there anymore, though...w e are not apartment hopping, we are home owners... we are not car shopping...we are car bought and paid for... so really, what ARE we saving for if nothing more than just things for our house and things for the cars and what not?  so I am trying not to be so down on myself when I need to make a 100 dollar trip to walmart because in reality it's been a while since I had gone and everything just so happened to run out at the same time.  Or like this weekend, when I realized I am in fact getting older and getting on my hands and knees and cleaning the bathroom floor is no longer a realistic way to clean.  Sponge mop time, time to go to walmart... or tartget... or wherehaveyou...  so there's that...  and ma's bday and then it's our anniversary and then it's mothers day, and father's day and his bday and thing 1's bday...and on and on and on...so I'm not trying to freak out too much because I keep forgetting we did the thing we were planning to do with our money and we're really good at keeping it in the bank...so when I go to get my hair trimmed this Saturday, I shouldn't feel bad about spending that money...  I'm not taking food off the table, or clothes off the backs.  We left the heater on for a full 24 hours and where I would usually be FTFO, I literally didn't give not TWO shits... and I was pretty happy about that. I was happy I was able to NOT give TWO shits...that mop I bought? it broke, as me if I care right now?  Not really, I'm going to put in for a manufacturer return and all that dumb shit, but I'm still not bummed that I won't see a red cent for 6-8 weeks if they decide to refund me... It's inconvenient, but no one's gonna miss that $8.48 right this second.

Weird to be here at this point in life, though.  Not gonna lie...

I took my mum to breakfast for her bday... and I paid the bill...and I walked away... cause you can't take it with you...and I had to go to the store for peppers, and I got her flowers...from the super market...  cause you can't take it with you...And those 10 Tulips made her SO happy... and that was worth every penny.  I'm going to get my hair cut, go to Target and get a better mop and I'm getting Marysu a tutu in every color cause she's a twirler...and we'll still be eating and saving and driving on gas we'll be able to buy...

Did you ever know anyone from the Depression?  Old people, grandparents, whatever they are to you that lived through it and never got over it? Never got over the need to hoard because they knew in a way that no one else knew that at any second you could lose the opportunity to buy more or have more?  I had that type of upbringing, so to speak, so I'm a McScrooger as a result...but we live within our means and that allows us certain liberties...  But people have no idea that absolute MindFuck that happens to me everytime I have to get something for the house and I didn't "plan" on it... dumb, I know this.  I didn't say I was sane... EVER...  so there...

And I can't wait for our vacation ;)  And so expels the crazy...

When in Doubt, Back To The Drawing Board...

I have been saying that ALOT lately...

Back to the drawing board...and of course, I say it in my head in the fashion of Wyle E. Coyote... Cause it's funny...

I got a book from my Guria for my birthday...and with that book (cause she knows me) was another book... blank pages of an unwritten confession..so she says... and she's not wrong.  I miss it.  I do.  I miss my daily entries... and I told myself, I would return to them when I was ready. My hiatus is nearly to an end.  My carpel tunnel, however...is not...thank Jebus for wrist supports...

I almost gave into a version of myself that takes up about 4% real estate of my brain...  that version of myself thinks that they can take a Smash journal and use it over a nice long span of time...  when in reality, the MOST of my brain would probably finish that damn thing in a week...  or less...  less is more likely...

Fuck me... even typing hurts now...and since I can't win...I'm just going to go back to writing...

After being in Michaels and seeing all those beautiful journals in all their various allowance glory... I realized something...I had it down... I had it down to my personality already.  I didn't need glitz, and tabs, and stickers, (well maybe stickers) and labels and shit... basically a scrapbook...  I don't like scrapbooks... I find myself taking them too seriously...and then they don't get finished...or they DO get finished, but then they mean as much to me as that paper I wrote three hours before it was due, receiving a mediocrely deserved A- in the process...

I was crocheting yet ANOTHER late entry into my Christmas list of giving, dug deep to fish a pencil out of my awesome Owl Tote Ma got me as a early Christmas-present-just-cause-I-got-a-killer-ass-deal-at-Old-navy kind of thing...  I found the pencil..inside the awesome, blue embossed covered journal my Guria got me for my bday..still empty...and it didn't bother me that it was empty before...but it bothered me today...and just today I had all these things come up... with seeing the Smash journals at Hobby Lobby and then again at Michael's...had a chat about my bajillion journals at the foot of my closet...and then finding something I hadn't seen in 5 months... probably because I subconsciously hid it so I wouldn't feel it's eyes boring into the back of my skull...  So, since typing kills me anyways, and I think maybe some of my inspriations I had when I started doing this might come back to me in the process...I think it's time to end my hiatus from the journaling. It's too coincidental, don't you think?  I think so too... 

Speaking of back to the drawing board...I think I finally found a liquid homemade laundry soap that goes well with cold water recipe for us to try.  We are both on board with the experiment, and with a half bottle of brand soap to go, it's time to fish or cut bait... or insert your own decision making analogy here... 

On the list of DIY's...  No Poo...yes I know... I'm gonna try it.  I have a need for head n shoulders and I'm wondering if I perpetuate the need because of all the crap in the shampoo and conditioner ... so I'm gonna try the homemade stuff and see what happens.  It's winter, it's the perfect time to try it because I can wear hats during the Dirty Thirty Day trial period that I have been reassured is going to happen.  I have organic coconut oil at hand for dryness...  I'm excited to try this.  if it works for me and I can get it down to a science, I will be introducing it to Choners and the Things...  yay!!  Got to see my bestie from Sin City today and not for long enough... *sad face*...  but she'll never move back here and I'll NEVER EVER move my ass there...  so it's one of those things that I gotta get over... and I'm over it. Doesn't mean I can't be sad about it once it awhile, right? Right!  Christmas countdown is underweigh and for the slimness of the giving and receiving, it's gonna be an awesome Christmas. I can already feel it being one mostly of the reason of the season and less about the commercializing of the season...  wa-hoo. 

In a nutshell...feeling very "back to the drawing board"...but ... in the BEST way possible.  Super uber refreshing way possible...even Fallon and Timberlake are taking it back to the drawing board. I must be on to something... Next obsession on my list... my new camera lens.. My lil cuz is amazing and I'm DYING to get my lens. I might even get a flash...  with a dome diffuser...  but that's...another story...

Third One's the Charm!!!

I know most OCD people feel that even numbers are the way to go, but I am Irish...and superstitious is the name of the game.  So Threes... we like the Three's... It's all about the Three's...

Fine... well I just wanted to do a random post about our month... We have had a really busy month.

Again, work is picking up, I am no longer able to sit and mull and write and jot down things to write about later.  I will probably require more structure if I want to keep doing the blog thing because as much as I want to keep writing in my journal, but wrists are killing at the end of writing anything with pen and paper... this KILLS me you MUST know that...  Also, there are things I like to say and get out of my head and put on paper...why? Don't know, but it works...  It helps, it really does.

Going day to day is how I'm trying to do it right now, which really is at odds with the planner in me.  The planner in me is so strong that I even bought a two and a half year planner over the weekend. It's a Snoopy planner, don't get me wrong...one month per two pages....but still...  If I don't write it down I forget.  Plain and simple... 

My uncle gave me a hutch, and it was my grandma's and now it's mine.  It was missing some shelves, so I got glass pieces cut for the shelves, and now I have another hutch and I have space for more stuff... yay!!  I got some really cute knickknacks out that I had put away... Amazing... 4 years later and we are still "settling in"... it's so awesome...  We have been doing alot of that this month.  Moving things around, making room, filling in spaces...  So warm and lovely to have everything in it's place...and to put it there together... side by side...  I've been a romantical ball of puke lately...not sure what that's about...but it's true...  I am living a RAD Nora Roberts style life when it comes to that man....  I'm NOT ashamed to admit it.. Even when I have to clean up toe nail clippings.. I don't care!

I had a very particular idea in mind for the kids for Halloween and as awesome an idea as it was, I don't think we'll be able to pull it off without me sinking a little more attention into it than I want to give.  I just want to go get costumes and go home...  sometimes simple is just the best way!  Choni is growing his hair out... he's been working on some side projects, keeping himself busy.  Even though he just got a kick in the ass cause he's really into deciphering his dreams... and they almost always mean something and it's always something incredibly relevant.  Unfortunately, his dream told him that nothing will come of any of his side projects...Not sure what that is supposed to mean for him, but I'm thinking that even though they can be "right" they're still wrong.  He is doing his side projects just as much to keep himself busy and not feel the need to vacuum an already vacuumed carpet AGAIN...  I told him not to get discouraged cause I wanted him to keep going...  Maybe they'll pay off later down the road even...  Anything that he has for himself that he does is a good accomplishment...and that makes ME happy for him :)  Yay! 

I am back to doing my nails...they grew out over night it seems and now I guess I have to take care of them, gosh oh gee...whatever will I do?!  Give Choni back scratches, for one...

Our now 20 month old is doing all the things that 20 month olds do... some think she should be speaking full sentences... Nah, I'm good...she's fine.  She eats everything and anything, so I'm good on the "not talking"... really...

Before we know it I wont' be buying diapers and wipes anymore and I'll $32 a month back into the budget...  Before we know it...  geesh...

With the fantastic weather change I have been taking my walks at lunch again...  It's so refreshing to get out of the office, and even so our stuffy little cave we have been sanctioned off into...  Of course, it can always be a little cooler for my walks, but I'm not about to look the gift horse in the mouth...  Thank you Fall, thank you so much for showing up when you did!  I thought they were going to have to start rolling me into the building!  Thankfully my Vegas bff decided to get super skinny and gifted me her old pants...ALL of them...  So now, I have new pants!  I LOVE hand overs!  And now I have an even better reason to stay the same or try to get a little MORE healthy... I LOVE all my new pants!!!  And soda... I love soda... so I gotta do my walks.

I SHOULD be doing better anyways.  I don't eat ALL my dinner.  We are still on a budget, so budget for food too... The average person eats too much at a time anyways, so we have snacks for the kids and they eat their dinner.  Daddy's average dinner feeds us all and then there's nothing left.  I feed the wee one off my plate and that way I don't overstuff myself.. I use a juice glass to serve myself my dr. pepper out of a 2 liter bottle, no more individual cans for me.  Sometimes I need a pick me up at work and I'll get a D.P from the machine...  not always...  just sometimes... so my consumption has gone down that's for sure... Nothing, short of Diabetes, will change that any time soon.

Oh, Thing 1...Another thing that has kept my brain completely terrified, and preoccupied...  She needs SO much dental work...  I should have been taking her to a periodontal this whole time and I didn't... and when they told me what all she needed done to her mouth I wanted to crawl into a hole and die... cause a dead me would be better for her than a half assed me...which is what I felt like.  Losing teeth is one of those things that does NOT happen at different times, per kid, per case.  You lose them at the same time, period.  If you're neighbor's kids, and your kid's classmates are all losing teeth, you're kid should be losing them too...that's it... boom, done.  So, she has teeth she didn't lose and now her adult teeth are going to come in crooked and we'll be hip deep in braces and dental work for the rest of her adolescence probably...  well, I guess as long as I know that now right?  yeah, right...  she brushes, she flosses..she doesn't drink soda or eat candy... well, she really doesn't...  and she's still doomed... awesome.

Been reading a lot of books... Can't believe how many I burned through in the past month... Seriously!  I read...6 books...and that's just between here and there, imagine what I could do with TIME on my hands??  I finished a baby blanket, I want to start another and I have some Xmas gifts to get started on...  I finally got a handle on the kids room and organizing that mess... YAY!!!  I should get the toy net hammock thingies I ordered on Amazon in a few more days and then it's ON... ReOrganize 2013 will be happening!  They need new curtains for their room, other than that their room is perfecto. 

The hair is going to grow out, I decided this.  I am no longer getting hair cuts, they have stopped and I am no longer going in for color.  Too 'spensive.  I did notice that the toner wore off, so the bleached parts were coming up yellow.  I put a washout over it so it toned it down.  Worked like a CHARM!   So now I just have to grow this mess out.  When it's a certain length, I will have some layers pulled through..but it needs to be LOOONG before that happens cause I already know what I want to do with it...it just seems like I seriously owe the people of the world that don't have rad hair... I owe them this, to grow mine out and let my awesome hair flag fly...  and it is awesome... it's soft, it's thick, it's Purdy...it's wavy... it can be straight, it can be curly...  anything I want it to be really...  and it's not turning grey, so I'm gonna sail that ship as long as I can too...

I've been car day dreaming for the next purchase, which I don't anticipate for another three years or so...unless unfortunate events strike, then sooner... but lets NOT go there shall we?  Okay? Ok... Well, I DID notice, that since I've been daydreaming, that's when the shit hit the fan on the cars...  Not they're in bad shape, now they're in GREAT shape...I still just... meh... it's over now... Let's now dwell...moving on?  Okay...  That's all really, not much else going on... Just day to day stuff...  I love that we have internet now!  My honey's imagination stirs much more than it has without it...so that's GREAT!  I love it...  I can't wait for the holidays and cool weather and pumpkin flavored everything!  I already have some days off slated to be with my litto family...The big one asked if I had any days off that matched up with HER days off...aaawww... so fuck it.. I made it happen.. no rhyme or reason, sometimes you just need a week off with your hunny bunnies...  Ok, rant is over...  I'm done...  all is well... 

Flash Sideways...

For when it's not really a Flash Back and it's certainly NOT a Flash Forward, cause then I'd be psychic... and a lotto winner.


Some things have been creeping around in the backs of brain...the corners of my mind if you will...

I was looking back at a time when we were apartment dwellers...

When we had a psycho land lady...

Mostly due to the "Hi, I'm your house, and now that you are here, I'm going to break on you muhfuckers!!" type stuff that we've had go on this summer.

Nothing we couldn't handle... just a lot of swipe-swipe-monies-gone.  Fine...

When I think about what we paid on rent, and what we paid to "fix" the problem(s)...  wow... I'm still in the pink... we are still better off...and that's amazing to me.  Between Homeowner's insurance, mortgage, PMI all rolled up into one beautiful payment versus what we would be paying for that space in rent... we win...  so far... but still.  We WIN!!!  hehe...  I had some serious doubts, some total almost OH my GAWD meltdowns about what had we done?  What had we gotten ourselves into?  First it was MY fault... cause I did this...cause I was all alone...right? Not really.  I have a silent silent partner... who sometimes seems like such a silent partner, you'd think he was second cousin to Harvey The Rabbit... not so...

We made the decision to jump in when the jumping was good...and we'll still come out on top in the end...but the END is so far away... and in the END it won't be US that really truly benefits, it'll be our kids... Our house is their security.. because it's what we can do for them...and in all this "Oh my gawd what did we get ourselves into?"  I remembered the who-what-where-when-why it all came about...
and I got sad...

I got a little sad cause we were so happy in our simple lives... one kid... one (and then two) car payment(s)....  and then there was carrying groceries up flights of stairs because Choni thought it would be best to go that route with the kid...an upstairs apartment is less likely to get broken into...fine.  I see that...

If I could have kept ANY apartment, I would have wanted to keep our first.  It was lovely. It was quaint and adorable, and we had fab neighbors... except of course for that ONE neighbor... you know the one...the one neighbor you have that you know their kid's names, not from KNOWING them, but from HEARING the mom SCREAM them across the apartment complex to come home for dinner and of course you know she talks on the phone on her patio at the top of her lungs so everyone can hear about her detest for her ex... awesome, right? Right. 

I miss that apartment because it was the first place we lived as a couple, an engaged couple, a married couple, and an expectant couple...that apartment had so many of our firsts...  SO many...  and I have so little pictures of it...and I have so little tangible memory of it...  but every time we pass we tell Thing 1, that's were WE started and she recognizes it...and now SHE says it... "That's it!  That's our first place!"  I'm going on the technicality of Thing 1 being a zygote but still knowing that was her first home...fine... then her first actual baby outside the belly home was grandma and grandpa's... 

So I remember the fun and I have fond memories, but we had some hard times also.

Here's the thing, as far as our relationship goes, me n mister are pretty damned solid especially for today's world.  Also there's the whole "Relationships are work".  I'm not going to say that relationships are easy, or that if they're good they're easy.  They're still work.  Don't ever let anyone tell you different.  But it's like this:

Relationships are work.  They're the kind of work you do at a job that you LOVE.  You eat-sleep the job, you can't wait to get there, and you are a little sad when you leave in the afternoon but you are immediately perked back up when you realize that you get to sleep, wake up and do it all over again...  aaawwww....

Then there's the bad relationship...The Relation-shit.  Relationshits are work at a job you fucking hate and can't wait to get fired or have the balls to quit, but you want to get fired so you can collect unemployment and if you quit, then it's your fault you have no job...and everyone pretty much wants/needs a job right?  Right...so Relationshits are jobs where you are sending your resume out on your work email cause you just.don't.give.a.fuck.

...I would like to add I am DAMN proud of that analogy...between my sister and my mom and their dating woes, I have managed to work out this here analogy between relationships and relationshits and how you know which one you're in...  DAMN proud of myself... and guess which one I have???

hehehe...

Anyways, where was I?  Oh yeah, Flash Sideways...  In remembering our past places, places of and in our past, I thought about what it must have looked like on the outside... I thought about our "times" we were having and sometimes I thought, wow, we were having a hard time, or wow, we had a down period... well, here's the thing.  We WERE...but it wasn't US.  What was happening was happening to US as a unit, not between the two of us.  Any true unhappiness I have been apart of since I've been coupled was caused by outside forces... we were always teamed up and ready to go.  So we had bummed out periods, but us, WE were good, solid.  We were better than okay.  But still, not bright and shiney unicorns shitting rainbows kinds of times going on...and we got through it as a unit...then I think of those times and Thing 1...and she was growing and learning during those times...she was eating on her own, she was potty training, she was speaking, thinking, learning. 

Now, we have another that is speaking, thinking, learning...  Not REALLY speaking, it's that "twin talk" that only we understand...but we hear it.  It's there. 

I say Flash Sideways because we are remembering what was going on when Thing 1 did the things that Thing 2 does...  oh yeah, the apartment, apartment 2 or apartment 1?  Well, if Thing 1 was born, obviously 2...oh yeah, I hated that place, the downstairs neighbors, the light in our bedroom window at night while we were TRYING to sleep, the THIS and the THAT...and then I wonder, were we EVER happy there?  And then psycho's house... were we EVER happy there?  And the wife part, were you unhappy with ME there?  So I bring up that Mister was unhappy when we were there...and he says yeah kinda..and we talk and realize...it wasn't with eachother we had these feelings and it was all about the place and the situation not being awesome and how we DID have to try EXTRA hard to enjoy ourselves because it's NOT fun to rent someone else's house or an apartment...

Buyer's remorse?  Maybe... but it comes in flashes and spurts like PTSD.  (or so I imagine of course, I wouldn't really know, but it's my closest analogy)

Buying the house always trumps NOT having bought the house...  I think what's happening is that so much time has passed since apartment 1 and 2 that I can look back now with fonder memories, and that's why this is so new to me.  So new to think "wow, we had a good time, why did we buy a house?" but it's all relative...it's time... time passes and we sometimes forget the negative...at least I have been known to do that a time or two.  I don't always WANT to remember the bad, especially if I feel like it's not going to do me any good down the road.  I definitely believe in guarding yourself. that's a given in life, it's necessary to remember certain things from the past so you don't repeat.

But these flashes seem more like flash sideways to me...because when I remember these things in these places lately, Thing 2 is doing things that Thing 1 did in these past places...and I see the wee one crawl into her booster seat to eat, and I get a flash of the big one doing the same thing at the same place in a different place where we were the same family that loved eacthother the same...just in a different place...  See?  Sideways...  Right now, it doesn't feel like I have to go BACK to remember.  It feels like I just have to step to the side...

Like the eye trick, you cover one eye to see one side, and you switch eyes and you see another side.  Sometimes I feel like if I cover one eye, I see here and now...and if I switch, I see then and there...

See?  Sideways...

"Dirty Mouth? Clean it UP!"...

...Oh Orbit Lady.... PLEASE come through my house!!!  ...And then I wake up... Cause yeah... that's NOT gonna happen. Not no way, not no how...

 

Guess what I did yesterday? Nothing.  I cleaned the kids room with them (by with them of course I mean giving Thing 2 things to keep her busy while I cleaned with Thing 1)...  I can't believe what we were able to clean. I can't believe what she let me get rid of.  Yes LET ME.  I know, I shouldn't let my kid have the say really.  But here's the part about them being far apart.  Thing 1 is at the age when she should be getting rid of baby toys...but we have the baby now...and she is old enough to play with all those toys.  One day, they will be gone, but we just signed a new lease on their life.  If those toys could talk I'd demand some thank yous...  just sayin...

 

Cleaning the kid's room has become somewhat of a "mommy" job.  Sometimes I sell myself on the idea that the chores are perfectly, evenly split up, but they're not.  They're just not.  It's never going to be perfectly even and perfect.  Putting the kid's laundry away is a mommy job.  But I like it.  I like it because I am the one that buys them their replacement clothes...so if I buy the clothes, I should fold them and put them away so I know what's hole-y.  What's shredded, ripped, stained, too small and ready to go.  I like my "mommy" jobs.  I try to do other things, but the only time I have to do things is the weekends, which this weekend was one where daddy worked...  I played with the kiddos yesterday and cleaned and played...we watched movies, had a little friend over, sent the little friend home, and played... Mary slept, I worked on a crochet project (what's with all these breeders lately? I loved it!) and I went to bed a little later than usual cause I wanted to hug and kiss my Choni-baloney before I went to bed.  And then, he did the dishes... He worked, came home at 9:30 after stopping at the store after work, put the food away and did the dishes...  Yeah, that's what I married...  and that's why I strive to be a better person everyday...and that's why last night I went to bed totally depressed.  I am going to have start a personal journal....

 

I need somewhere where I can completely release the crazy inadequacies I feel as the spouse... some of it's pure bullshit.  Some of it is pretty valid... Some of it is just for us.. some of it... like when I have had people tell me that from their end, they don't think Choni does enough... 

 

Yep... people have told me that.  I know what they mean is based on what they see, but you have to be in our house day to day to realize that it's really the other way around...  I play with the kids when I have them... because I am constantly in a state of flux.  I want to clean the house, I want to see them see me clean the house so they can say "wow, what a clean house we have."  But I have some negative semi-repressed memories about having a clean house, which is also probably a serious part of me being "Clean or play?  PLAY!"  Because we did things as a family, but I can't remember a time my mom really PLAYED with  me.  I don't hold it against her or anything, she worked like a fuckin DOG to keep our house up and my dad did, too...  food on the table and a clean house and a few memories here and there of Disneyland, Knott's, picnics, birthday parties.  Lots of snuggly nights at home...  right before bed and after dinner...  very warm and snuggly... but I also remember several times when my OCD dad decided to WASH THE SCREENS instead of go to the park with us, so we made our own fun. 

 

I know people will call bullshit on the fact that I say "well the baby is UP MY ASS"  because it IS difficult to keep your mind ON TASK when a midget is pulling your pants down whilst climbing your leg... so we do what we can, but still... I feel like I should be doing a better job.  Like my house should be immaculate like so many other people's houses are (or maybe they're not and I PRESUME they are)... I guess everyone juggles differently and this is how we juggle... We prioritized, and cleanliness of house has taken a bit of a back burner...sure, I Swiffer... that shit's RAD... but when I dusted my house as a chore when I was a kid, it was a rag and Pledge to the WHOLE shebang and that was all that was acceptable.  My mom could tell when I tickled the house with a feather duster and what did I do the next day?  Re-DID all the dusting I didn't do the day before.... 

 

I guess the point is, I don't  have a clean house... my poor hubby does 95% percent more housework than I do and I play with the kids...  and one day this will change... so I'm going to do my best to enjoy this while it lasts...because one day...the kids won't want a thing to do with me and I'll be cleaning out of necessity to keep my time occupied.  And that's why my house is disheveled and my nails are barely kempt and I sneak in project-ing when the baby naps...oh and I am at my pre baby weight and sustaining because it's too goddamned hot to go outside and walk and my post work work-outs are on hold until Thing 2 gets old enough to NOT get into shit... I'm waiting for Fall basically... or OUR Fall, which starts in late November... I should call this time "Baby Flux"...maybe naming it will help me get out of my head about it...  but see, now that I've said that and put it out there, I feel better already!  Blah...word vomit...and now I am purged!!!  ...and this is what happens when I have too much time to think things...  because this is all bullshit...and I know that...  first world problems eh?  TOTALLY!!!  And this is why I would be a horrible psych patient...  I would do a round of word vomit...and I would be cured...teeheehee...  And one day, I will be looking at a 5 year old Thing 2 and be thinking, "Remember when I didn't have time for things?"...  I remember doing that with Thing 1.  I think she was about 3 when I could just 100% get going on things and she wouldn't be ALL OVER ME...and as much as I sat there enjoying it, I was sad that I wasn't being called for, needed, "bugged"...  It's bittersweet, that moment when you're doing something that you couldn't easily do with a small one around, and then the moment you can... it's ALMOST not as enjoyable it once was.  Because that free time comes at a price...the price of kids growing up...  Circle of life n shit...  kids grow up, we get our "free time" back for what it's worth and we wonder where it all went...  And it's all so incredibly NORMAL...  and now I can move on to the next thing on my list of things to dwell on...what's for dinner??

♪♪Nobody Does It Better...♪♪

Oh yes... they fucking do...

Do you want me to give my parenting insight??

Well I can't...

Because this chick is so awesome, she pretty much hits the nail on the head for me ALL the time.
And I LOVE it...but then I'm completely uninspired...because in a weird way I have tricked my stupid brain into thinking I did something...when I didn't... 

This is why I have seemed "Silent Blog, Holy Blog" for so long... because I have read so many things on other blogs that were like "Exactly! Exactly.  Exactly?"  That I started to feel like...what's the point of ME going back and reiterating on it then?

My brain...oh brain you silly think popping your synaptic jazz...  YOU SUCK...

I have a mental check list.

I have a physical check list, too.  I am actually copying OUT of that little blue physical check list right now...

The latter gets less and less love because of my own personal bullshit mix of 1 part hands that hurt and 1 part my job is totally 100% demanding of my time now. 

...my thinks do get written...they get THOUGHT...and when they get THOUGHT, they get mentally catalogued to hopefully be revisited later...but then I read something that my brain thinks "Wow, Exactly!" and that think does two different things...

1. List check marked mentally as if I myself wrote a meaningful post that means a lot to someone.
2. Completely disillusioned and suddenly uninspired because I wanted to say that... that very thing...and I couldn't/didn't say it first... so is life...

I don't like plagiarism.  I don't like anything similar to it.  but I'm telling you... I would footnote the shit out of this blog right here...  It's all the badassness of being a parent and being able to just say, "Fuck it, kids are the way they are, they don't fit in boxes, they don't subject themselves to labels and sometimes you just need to hold them while you poop."

I'm totally sub-paraphrasing by the way...but I'm sure you knew that... I loved this piece so MUCH... 

It's all the Thinks I think of parenting in one place.

Everyone is different, all kids are different.  I realize that my "problems" are MINE...  and granted they are completely welcomed warmly by people that have it WORSE than me...and scoffed at by people have it EASIER... but they're what I deal with on a day to day basis and that's what makes my kids MY kids and MY kid problems MINE.

With two kids that are walking different ends of the kid spectrum and working my patience like so much modeling clay, I love it.  I love when something like this speaks to me so loudly that I feel completely at ONE with my life... As if someone floated up to me and said, "Oh yeah? Me, too, dude.  Me...TOO."

And sometimes, you need a hand on your shoulder.  I haven't always needed one.

My dad used to tell me I didn't require a proverbial (or even literal) pat on the back/shoulder area to keep me going...and that it was a great preservation tool. But to remember that if someone were to come up and give that to me, to completely accepted whether I felt it was warranted or not.  So I believe the former and leave myself open for the latter...it creates a great balance to my particular brand of crazy (which my VERY good friend laughs at daily because she REALLY is crazy ;) and she knows that)...

So here's to the people that take the thoughts from my mouth, head and my heart and express them perfectly... because sometimes, I don't even know what I want to say...and then I read it...and I feel completely awesome afterwards!  And WHO doesn't want to share the feeling of AWESOME?? WHO DAMMIT?!?! 

Catch Up number two...as in poop...