L'Chaim...

Things go along and chug on the train of life... c'est la vie...  things happen you see from a mile away... Some happen in the blink of an eye and leave you wondering... "Why didn't I see that?" "Could I have seen that?" "Could I have prevented that?"  "WHY WHY WHY???"

The owner/founder of the company I have dedicated twelve years of my working life to passed away at his home on Thursday night.  He was not, what I feel, your typical owner type.  Howie was so personable, and put on a face that made him seem less approachable than he actually was.  You got close enough you figured it out, he was a pussy cat...   A total Teddy Bear to the nth power and was exremely generous... Our human nature leaves a little to be seen with generosity and of course always leaves us wanting more, but not in Howie's case.  He gave...and gave.  Keeping the doors open to our company when he didn't need it and saw it floundering he pumped it full of life again and got it going...someone tried to take us down and he pulled us back up.  Howie did that... his right hand man did that... we didn't have to be here still and he made it possible for me/us to come into work when they weren't sure that there would be a work to come to...

When I bought my first car 100% by myself I was working here... and when I bought it, I went into his office when he wasn't busy and thanked him.  I gave him credit where credit was due.  They didn't have to hire me, he didn't have to let them keep me and he certainly didn't have to let me take on the roll in the company that I was given.  I was a "go-fer", a "gal friday" but being that I had my hands in everything and I am still to this day shocked at the meetings and discussions I took part in...  I remember him congratulating me on my engagement, my marriage, my first child, my new house, my second child...and most recently, just a couple of weeks ago, I parked a new car in his parking lot and he was there when I drove up.  I got a big smile, pat on the back "Good girl" from him and it was lovely...  it was a great feeling.  An intoxicating sense of belonging is what he brought to the table for me and I love it...and I will always love it and I will be here to make sure that I do right by him because he let me be here doing my job for this long... why not longer?  At every christmas party, he made a speech... he handed little envelopes of "Thank you" gifts and each person was called up by name and given a hand shake/hug by The Big Man and every year he'd look at me and be shocked by my tenure and we'd joke "another year girl" and I'd say "and another year next year if you'll have me" wakka wakka...  and now he's gone... I know his health was failing him, that was no secret, but I had a different scenario in mind.  I thought one day the CFO would come in discretely to my office and mention his health and a possible ICU stay and then a few days later we would get the news...but there was nothing. He was in here on Tuesday and didn't come in Wednesday or Thursday..Friday morning we had a company wide meeting (never a good sign) and I was told to turn off the phone system (NEVER a good sign) and I knew it, I knew it before the CFO even spoke his first words....

Goodbye Poppy Howie I will never forget you, I will always miss you, and as long as there is a company to work for I'll be here at my desk because that's where I belong...  Mazel tov....

I Waited For The Other Shoe To Drop and It Hit The Wrong Person...

I have work to do , but it's oh so not going to happen right this second...way too much on my damn mind...

Ever since my first single parent summer night started, the kids have been good.  I have tried to make a miniscule mark in the history of the housework.  I made one here, one there...  I try.  I have made a dinner that was delicious and nutritious.  I have gone out for food once.  I think that's pretty good... all the dinner's in between are probably suspect... fine.  Harley's homework gets done, kids get cleaned and rooms get cleaned... sometimes...  but no real drama... but I was waiting.

I put forth a very ambitious night for myself last night.  Usually, Choni gets the groceries with his stadium money and he keeps that money so it feeds us through the winter and by the time he starts at the stadium he is in need of more.  And that's what works for us... Yay!  Well, because of the whole increase in cost of living and he's been on the same wages since he started 6 seasons ago...our food budget gets a little tighter each year and now we have another mouth to feed... and I MEAN IT!!!  The human garbage disposal is a medal I didn't think Choni would be sharing with a child...but he does and it's his child so I guess it's sense making... Moving on... 

Well... 

When your kid mentions how empty your fridge and freezer and cupboards are...it's time to think about things...so I thought about why that is and that we are due for a shopping trip on Saturday and then Daddy will probably be stocking up on things but then I thought about why we were shopping Saturday... cause Daddy didn't have his first paycheck and he didn't want to put gas in the van to go to gma's...  so we would stay put and go grocery shopping... Hmmm... well I thought EFF IT!!  I'm getting food!  So I gave myself a budget, thought about the stuff that I could be making while Daddy is working...and I shopped.  Poor Marysu though...  She was stuck in her car seat all day...

See... in order for Daddy to get to work on time and not infringe on my day as he HATES to do and for us to not have to pay a sitter...  he drives to my work (45 minutes) and THEN goes to work after dropping the kids off with me (15-20 minutes)... so, kids are in the car 45 minutes.  Then they have a return trip with me for another 45 minutes...  That's hard on kidlettes with NO concept of time. 

I mulled over the Surprise Food Trip in my head all the way home.  By the time we got home, I figured it was a go.  Inside it was nice and warm, unlike the outside weather which was gray and storm-like ickiness...  We warmed up inside, kids played a minute or two and then we were off.  I cheated HUGE and the first and hopefully one of FEW times we ate out on Daddy's work schedule was McDonald's in the Wal-Mart.  Talk about one-stop shopping.  We ate, we shopped, we filled the cart.  There were two diaper changes and trips to the bathroom, a spill of apple slices and two cups of juice before we left the store.  By the time we got home it was time to get teeth brushed and pj's on and only a few minutes later it was bed time. 

This is one of the times of my day I absolutely love.  The kids don't always go to sleep right away...but listening to them sit there and chatter...  It's priceless... Harley was so completely utterly meant to be a big sister...she has her moments because she's seven folks... but she is such a great helper and she LOVES her little sister so much...and Marysu just adores the big kid she shares her room with as I'm sure she pictures in her head must be her name...  I folded laundry and put away dishes to chitter chatter that turned into slight whines and then gentle snores...  took my shower, went to bed...the soda I had right before bed didn't agree with me, which was awesome cause it'll keep me from doing that EVER again (Welcome, Thirties!)...

Last night was awesome sauce...  So why "The Other Shoe..."??

I have been sitting and waiting... apart of my brain has been 100% on alert to deal with "kid business" of ANY sort... spilled drinks, spilled ANYTHING, dirty ANYTHING, crazy cranky ANYTHING... and nothing... I'm fine, kids are fine, Choni is fine...

My coworker is NOT fine..her hubby is NOT fine.  I feel like I'm on the other side of the desk from my MIL this time last year...or maybe even further back than that cause they're not there yet... but I feel like they're going there...and I don't want to go there again with ANYBODY right now.  I want them to be fine...  I have been waiting and anticipating the other shoe to drop on me...but it seems to have aimed poorly and hit my rad awesome coworker.  I would be DEVASTATED if something happened to Antonio...  no matter what no matter when... 

My horribly cynical self was trying to save me from this...this right here... I felt the "What if I lost MY husband??" for two years...and Now I'm feeling it again...and all it does is prove that few things are scarier in life than losing the things that you LOVE so much that there really isn't a word worth the description of the feeling you have... LOVE is not enough... it's just not..but it's the closest I can get... there are people that you lose in your life and you go on...and life goes on..and that's fine...but there are some people, I know that if I lost them... My world would fall apart even for a moment...  it would happen...  I might comeback and bounce back and what comes out will be a version of me, but not he same me, because the same me would require that person to be around...and they're not...  I can't imagine if I tried what she must be going through.  I feel for her kids... I can do that... but I can't help her or be there for her FULLY because I don't know.  I'll do what I can, I'll do her work.  I can do THAT...at least...  but just when we thought things were going to be great... they're not... and now my day has been funkified all day because I can't get them out of my head...  These are damn good RADASS people...  and I literally am sick for them... My heart literally hurts for them... Like, I-could-be-dying-of-heart-disease kind of hurts...  Or I-probably-just-need-a-tums-because-I-had-coffee-this-morning hurts...but it started the second I heard...and some things you just can't un-hear... dammit...

Type, Type... Erase... Type... Erase...

Trying not to be the Billionth person to talk about it...

That's my response to Boston so far...

To sit at my desk and see madness down a street I have walked... down a corner I have turned...  driven down... albeit in the back seat but still...  And be utterly helpless...  To sit here and try to find the words... the collective, coherent thought to take that in and not go completely mad...  We are not an old country, but for our immediate purposes, Boston is our version of an ancient city...

Excuse me while I go in the Way Back Machine to that fateful Tuesday Morning in 2001 when I saw something else happen in a spot I have walked in, sat down on a bench and looked up at those immense buildings and have a feeling I was in the presence of greatness and world power... apparently I wasn't the only person that knew that...

I feel the same way about Boston...I felt the same way yesterday...  Of course there is the "Why? What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!"  Ok, someone is making a point...  but really?  That's how you make your point?  Fuckin pussies...  sorry.. but they are...  I can't stomach acts of violence.  I REALLY CAN"T STOMACH FACELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE!!!  MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN YOU COWARDS!!  So we can catch you and bring you the justice you deserve.  Actually, we don't Constitutionally ALLOW the kind of justice these people would truly deserve, but anyways... I believe in Capitol Punishment, so sue me.  I'll never commit a crime that would deem me deserved as such, so I don't care if they euthanize people.  I REALLY REALLY don't.

A question I brought to myself: do I tell Thing 1?  We don't watch the news per se.  We don't sit and watch it together as a family... I watch it...  I choose to.  It's MY choice.  I know my children should grow up to be learned adults...but I'm choosing not to start it now.  If Harley comes home from school and asks me about something her teacher brought up we will talk about it...but I'm not going to sit her down and tell her about everything that happens and then attempt to possibly counter that with something good so that she doesn't give up hope in humans so early.  I would literally spend ALL day talking to her if that were the case. 

Meh... super miffed.. super sad... and super effing miffed...

I had nothing fresh or knew to think I was so stunned...appalled.  So I dug down into my 'serves.

September 11th, I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know if the country would feel a sense of comraderie that would bring us all to not go to school, to not work.  I just dared to go on my day and see what everyone else thought.  I didn't feel like, as a Californian, I should feel a sense of entitlement that allowed that horror to affect me directly, not sure yet if would in anyway, just that sight of those awesome buildings falling...  I got my other sock on, put on my shoes and drove to school...  I wasn't the only College student unsure.  Doors had signs on them of class cancellations... I made it INTO my class and my professor was explaining how she was going home and she bade us do the same...so I walked out with everyone else.  And I remembering seeing a Marine Reservist shaking his head...he just got done with his requirements and he pretty much knew then...he'd be going over somewhere...
I saw my husband by my car... He was writing me a note (no cell phones) and he grabbed the paper off my windshield and ran up and hugged me and we talked a minute... all of our classes were cancelled... did I still go to work?  did I still dare to pretend nothing happened??  Even the radio was rife with discussion...  I went home... waited for work to begin.  He came with me to my house for a bit and went on to work himself.  He said it was DEAD at his video store.  Mine wasn't DEAD.  But my manager, Stina, was on board with keeping a low profile that night and we turned all the TV's at my store and sat on the counter and watched...  The patrons didn't mind.  There were 5...all night. And one I will never forget.  Not ever.

A homely woman comes in after there is already a man with his son in the Sci-Fi section mulling over which Alien movie to rent... there are so many choices!

Woman is unhappy...  She grunts upon her entry and exasperates at the wall O' Tv's...  Uhm... Okaaaay....

I look at Stina, she is sitting on the counter watching... I follow my manager's lead and only get up when someone approaches attempting some miniscule amount of professionalism, but they don't care about that... they are all glued to the news.

I am helping man and son with their rental and woman comes up, Stina jumps off the counter and helps her.  She leans over towards Stina...  reading her Manager status on her glorious Employee Badge... 

"Oh, so I guess putting this on was your idea?"  Woman says.

Stina:  "Uh yea...  your total is..."

Woman: "Ugh, hopefully these are good enough to replace what's on... I can't believe SURVIVOR ISN'T ON TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THIS!!" (waving her hands at the TV's)

Stina:  "Your movies are due back ____....And I suggest that you go home and hug your kids because obvoiously there are WORSE THINGS GOING ON THAN MISSING SURVIVOR!!  Have a nice day." 

Stina... my hero that night... I will never forget that...  Not ever...

My immediate response to yesterday; I gave my kids a giant hug and we stayed in and hung out until bedtime... then I did my laundry and I relished in the things I was able to do because you just never know when you won't be able to do them again... 

Knockin On Heaven's Door....

Sitting on my couch last night watching the latest episode of Being Human, where Sally, Nick and Stevie who were once ghosts are zombies basically now and Nick went after his girlfriend, she killed him for trying to eat her and she killed him GOOD.  Nick turns back into a ghost after Zoie kills him and Sally and Zoie watch him walk into his "door"...

Sally tells Stevie he is a zombie now, Josh kills Stevie so he won't eat anyone else (after he ate his parents and the mailman) and Stevie shows up as a ghost and walks into his door... here's the problem: it's the same door Nick went through and in the Being Human-verse, every ghost gets their own door.  So this makes Sally and Josh wax intellectual about what this must mean if ghost Nick and Stevie went through the same door, what if Sally decided she didn't want to be a zombie and killed herself, then she would be a ghost and get offered this crazy door... what would happen? What's on the other side?

And this is what happens as a result of watching that episode:

Harley: So why are they freaking out?

Me: 'Cause that guy got the same door as the other guy and that's wrong.  That means that there's something bad probably going on...

Harley:  So, what's on the other side of the door?

Me: Heaven...I guess... well... that person's version of heaven..but you realize that this is a show right?  That everything is made up right?

Harley: well...duh.  But, so if it's their heaven, what do you think is on the otherside?

Me: Well, I guess it's different for everybody... Like, your idea of Heaven is probably all marshmallows and books and unicorns doing backflips over rainbows...

Harley: (laughs) yeah, probably... So what do you think your door would like?

Me: well, Uhm... I don't know.  I guess....  I would have an orange door and on the otherside would hopefully my dad/your grandpa... maybe some of my animals... maybe Grandma Mary...

Harley:  Oh... Ok.  What color is grandma and grandpas door at their house?  Cuz I want my door to look that their door and I want grandpa to be on the otherside...




...and there you have it folks...  straight from the mouths of babes...

If I had a nickle for every time I attempted to start and finish a new post... I'd have a shitload of nickles...

...And all I can think of is how glad I am at this moment that you can't smell breath over the internet...  My next book will be called "Coffee:  it's whore-ish tendencies to ruin my fantasticness..."
Moving right along...
Seriously, if I had a nickle for EVERY SINGLE TIME I opened up my page, attempted a post...and deleted it... I'd be a rich bitch...  just sayin...

I haven't even written in my personal journal in over a month...  Actually; hold please...

June 20th...  that was the last entry...  There is maybe one person reading this and scratching their head at how odd that sounds...so much time between entries...and this is a person who, after high school, would call me and say "So, what did I do for New Year's, '98??"  And yes... I would be able to answer.  Sad but true... 

And the last entry was about how our uncle went missing...and he was recently "found"...  I did not finish that entry... it stops mid page...

 It's a sad, tragic story and all I can say is...he will be missed. 

Especially by the children in his life.  Tio was a big hit with the kids.
I wanted to get up and say something at his service, but there was a lot going on and I just wanted the day to end...  for some reason it was harder for me to do the "Celebration of Life" thing that day...  I know why...  but it's none ya bidness... 

What I would have said was this:

I will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for Tio...  for what he did for my wonderful F.I.L....  (see what I did there?) 
When Felipe got sick, Tio came out... NO questions asked.  "Bro needs me? DONE!"  Cause that's the kind of guy he was.  The very first time I met him was at Tita Carmen's funeral.  I didn't see him again until he came out to care for his brother... 

The first time I went to the house to re-introduce ourselves to this long lost uncle, Thing 1 was asking her Gma for something...  and annoyingly I might add.  Because at Gma and Gpa's anything goes.  Well, with Gpa not really able to much anymore, I was really getting on the little one to start doing things herself.  Get your own snacks, take yourself to the bathroom (she milked that one DRY I tell you) and so on...

Well, on this particular day, Gpa turns to his brother and says "Hey, Mija wants to play with her playdough... Play with her." 

Now, if this was most families, I'm sure Gpa would have been met with a certain amount of cynicism...  or something opposite of what happened...

Without hesitation or question... Tio disappeared up into the girliest of girl rooms, and came down with the playdough set in tow...  And he sat there, with his bad knees, and played with her until his brother needed him for something...then he came back and continued on playing...  He gave his great niece something that day... he gave her back her grandpa time that she was already starting to miss because gpa couldn't play and move around like he used to with her.  And they played ALOT...  so she noticed when he had to stop.  But that day...  she got her grandpa back...  and many days after.

I wanted to cry...that was so awesome...

And I wanted to cry last night too...

Sitting on the couch, thing 2 draining a rice bottle...  nice evening air flowing through our little house... (I'm setting a scene here bitches) watching re-runs of The Wonder Years...  Harley cleaned the living room of her Hiroshima like proportion of toy explosion and came out of her room...  disappeared into my room... she doesn't DO that... like EVAH...  Came out with the paper from Tio's service in one hand...and her Gpa's in the other.

I lost it.

She already had little tears in her eyes...

One thing is for sure. I am in a whole new league here.  I did NOT know loss like that when I was her age.  I know that my hubby didn't either.  So... as to what to do in this situation?  We are winging it like a bastard cause we are at a loss as to how to handle it.

One more short story about Tio...kinda...

The kiddo has a lion named Leo...  Tio's name is Leo...

She thought that maybe that's too many Leo's...she changed his name to Larry. 

His name is Leo again...

♪♫Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs...♪♫♪

And it's true!!  Like this:

"Hi, I'm your computer.  I don't want to be here today!  You're Fucked!!"

that is a sign that I am not supposed to work right now...that little box does a lot of damage to my computer..  so...here is more on "signs"...

My hubby has a touch of the gift?  Did I tell you that?  He has fortelling dreams... Did I tell you that?  

My mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She had a masectomy, lost her hair, the whole nine.  Twas a very hard time for the family and showed me what a powerful family I would be entering into.  This was right after we moved out into our own apartment...  We had been together for two and a half years, we were engaged, we just moved into our own apartment and Choni had a dream that all of his teeth were pulled...but they were given back to him in a container.  And he took them home and showed his parents.  But when he looked at his mom...he couldn't really see her.  She was all blurry.
It was somewhere in the next few days that we found out her diagnosis.
He had a dream that he lost a tooth...  and Grandma Carmen died.
He had another dream he lost a tooth... and Grandma Emilina died.

He knew we would have two girls... he knew how far apart they were going to be... he just KNEW.

He had a dream that all of his teeth were pulled...and he didn't get them back... and then his dad called us in the middle of the week and wanted to make SURE we were coming that weekend.  Well, we had plans that weekend, but his dad never called and MADE sure we were coming so I said yes we were.  I told Choni his dad called and needed to talk to us.  Then he told me about his dream... and we knew it was bad news...  So we had to skip our plans and show up to confirm the news.  Even though we were pretty sure, I still sunk like a rock when he laid it on us. 

So when Choni tells me he had a dream... I listen.  I listen very closely.  We aren't always able to figure it out rightaway... or 100% correct, but after a few of these things... we are doing a pretty good job. 

He had a dream two weeks ago that his dad came to see him.  There was a lot going on  in the dream that didn't make sense, but what he really focused on was that his dad was there to tell him that he was alright, that things are very organized where he was and that Choni was the only one that could see him so stop toeing my leg and trying to wake me.  (I remember the leg pushing with his toe...  he was a having a doozy of a dream)...  But what he couldn't understand was why his dad had red blotches all over him.  So he read up in his dream book and thought about it.  It meant that there would be great worry and possible regret. 

Well, a day or two later, unbeknownst to us, his Tio Leo went missing...he's still missing...  that is the great worry.  I think the great regret may lie in our living situation.  See, we bought our house to set down roots in a new place that was near to everyone.  We have lived around all the cities here and we liked Hemet best.  Mostly because we didn't know anybody.  That had it's appeals to both of us for many reasons.  I also like the layout better than any other city and after I drove him around there a few times, he agreed.  If we had known that his dad would be sick and need care... we wouldn't have bought the house.  We wouldn't have left Elsinore.  We would  have stayed...but stubborn ol grandpa... he had been feeling badly for several years.  And he was just too stubborn and proud to admit that he wasn't feeling 100% to go to the doctor.  So the regret is that we regret we didn't know sooner that he was sick.  Then we would have lived there...and we would be with Yvonne now..and she wouldn't be alone wondering what happened to Tio Leo...and there wouldn't be detectives in her house...  But then again...who's to say?  Of course, once this whole thing blows over with whatever outcome is in our future...we won't feel that way probably.  But right this minute, we do. 

It's unnerving not knowing where someone is... someone you care about...  even if they somewhat bring it on themselves.  I'd rather give him hell and yell at him when he turns up than the alternative that might also be presenting itself later. 

All we can do now is pray he is ok wherever he is and hopefully he surfaces.  He's disappeared several times before and resurfaced...but even a cat only has 9 lives...

Your services are no longer required...

What seems like long ago in a land far, far away and also like yesterday at the same time...my Pop left us for an ethereal plane where he can play guitar and harmonica simultaneously...cause he couldn't seem to do it here on Earth... 
My Pop and I had a connection..  the kind of thing where I didn't need to call  him every day because I knew things were good with him and he knew things were good with me and if he ever got the notion that I was holding something back he would check with Ma.  Funny...because they had to get divorced to become best friends...  Weirdos...
He said something to me once that I switched around to help  me cope with losing him...
I once complained about not getting very much attention from my mother.
At the time I felt I lived with her because I had to, not because I wanted to.
As the years went on with me, Ma, the THEN husband and my elder sister, I noticed the pattern.  I didn't really NEED the attention that she was getting from Ma.  It was negative attention.  I didn't get attention because I didn't need it, not really.  And because I didn't go to Ma with every single little thing, when I DID need her, she was there because she KNEW it was important stuff if I was going to her with it. 
So, when I lost my dad too early for my liking...I thought about it.  Why the HELL would God take my dad from me? He wasn't a bad person...  he was a good guy...why do bad things happen to good people and all that crap... I went through it all. 
And I thought about it..  in terms of my coping mechanism, I thought to myself, "He left because he knew I didn't need him anymore."  Pop was always smarter than the average Papa Bear...  He was a brain ninja...he'd throw his little verbal ninja stars and the shit would HIT you out of nowhere.. or he'd tell you how things were going to turn out and no matter how much you didn't like it or thought it was wrong... turns out YOU were the one that was wrong my friend...  Therefore, he must have known that life would go on just fine for us all without him.  He was such a blessing to my step mom, and step siblings lives, turned them around really...  he did his job.  It was time for him to sit back and watch his work from a better POV (that's movie people talk for point of view, yeah I threw that out there).
And now you know how I cope. 
Now, for my other dad...  Felipe... definitely taken too soon...and I'm trying so hard to apply the same addage to losing him as I did to losing Pop.  When I saw them after Pop was gone, we went to their house for dinner.  They made me a sympathy dinner of my favorites, bacon wrapped shrimp and chile rellanos and I cried on Antonio's shoulder and I cried on Felipe's shoulder until there was a big wet spot on his designer shirt and he told me that if I ever needed anything I could come to them anytime...and he meant it...and I did.  And from then on I really truly thought of him as a father figure.  The man had so much love he was giving it away and I still feel great honor for being one of the many recipiants.  I can't even say I'll miss him because it's not the right word. Not by a long shot.
I can think of a million people who needed him to stay ...  but I can think of one that will be just fine...
My fantastic husband is fantastic because of three people... His mom, his dad, and himself.  And there's alot of his dad in there because he was the odd job, different job type of guy and always seemed to be available to Antonio when he was little.  Sort of like how Antonio is with our kids.  Funny how the acorn doesn't fall far from the nuthouse...
Antonio and Felipe didn't really have a lot in common. It seemed to me that it was hard for Felipe to relate to his son..because he was raising a completely different person from himself.  Felipe lost his father when he was young and Antonio grew up with both parents.  Felipe had 6 brothers and sisters and Antonio was an only child, spoiled rotten to the core unlike Felipe.  He even took to taking in kids (family, friends of Antonio's, friends kids) who were going through a tough time or a little troubled themselves because he had a lot of wisdom for kids like that but he couldn't really pass it to Antonio because that wasn't Antonio's world...
And Felipe realized something as Antonio got older...  he didn't radiate the need for a positive male figure like young Felipe did...because Antonio already had it...  He didn't need to look any further than his own living room.  Or right behind him, which is where his dad always was.  And always will be.  And that is how I am comforting my husband.  His dad left because he raised his son up right... and there was just nothing else he could offer him. 
Of course, his wife won't be comforted by that because she has lost her soul mate...and you'll never "not need" your soulmate.  Harley will be missing out on time with her grandpa who couldn't have loved her more if he tried and Marysu... we'll be able to tell the stories..it won't be the same but it'll have to do. Hopefully she'll be comforted by what will surely be tears streaming down our faces during the tales...
I'm sure it sounds odd, but someone knows something we don't...and maybe that something is that we really will be just fine without them and they knew that. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
Now, here is your pink slip, you can pick up your last paycheck in the HR department...

Rule # 32: enjoy the little things...

Obsession?  Or organic Prozac?  Either way, I love me some lip gloss...It's funny the things that make you feel better.  Just little things.  These are just the ones that I keep on me at any given time.  This is isn't even what I have at home...  (evil chuckle)  I can't help myself....  but hey, they get used so they don't go to waste and I figure what's a few dollars here and there if means keeping me out of the looney bin?  Because sometimes, I can sit and think about things and over thinking is something that comes very naturally to me...  If it weren't for things like chapsticks and lip balms shooting that happy feeling through my body once in a while I could go mad.  I don't always have access to the things that make me ecstatic i.e. Choni, Harley, Marysu, Ma...my many, many, many members of extended family...  So, once in a while, on my lunch I'll venture into Wal-Mart or Target and see what's doin in the lip department.  Choni doesn't mind this behavior due to it giving me silky smooth lips. Hah!

This is also one of those things I can control.  When life is throwing me to a whirlwind and isn't going in just one direction, I slow it down a little by just sitting down and thinking, "Can't control this and can't control that...  but... "  and it comes to me.  Maybe a new nail polish is the ticket?  Or chapstick?  My kids make me happy, even when they're being bad...they are being perfectly healthy and bad...  I'll take it... I'll reel in that awful behavior reminding myself I am a Mom who gives a shit or two to do so in the first place and I start to feel better...if Harley does what I say?  I get a false sense of power of Wonder Woman proportions and then I am the one who needs reeling in ;) 
Right about now, I could really use a new chapstick...not really...but YOU know what I mean.
Over the weekend, I cleaned the kids room...again...  I have done that about a hundred times.  Why?  because I can control it.  I can control how clean that room is, how everything is organized... 
Because I can't control my poor hubby's feelings..I can't control my poor father in law's breathing for him so he can come home and say goodbye to us on his own terms. 
So I douched my house :)  And then the dog trapsed through the dining room with muddy paws... 
It's still there...
I moved on ...

I also love food...I try to keep it a luxury as far as the goodies go...and I try to make my own to keep the "processed foods intake" down in our house.  I try to make as much as I can.  I make my own frozen waffles ;)  But food is supposed to fill us with nutrients, not provide entertainment value.  I make a conscious decision each and every day not to find comfort in food, which is hard.  But once in a while...I will indulge in an extra Coke.  I already bring my own Dr Pepper to work so I don't break my bank buying them individually from work.  I DO buy them here though.  One of the few reasons I do so:  To ensure that the vending machine is here the next day!  There are so many things here that we take for granted at my job, I don't want vending machines to become one of them.  So every once in a while I throw my $.85 in there and out pops an ice cold refreshment!  On the weekends, though...the gloves are off! 

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm a simple creature..I'm able to keep it simple by sticking to the small things that bring a smile to my face on a daily basis and sometimes, you can get yourself into a mood where looking at picture of the two most special faces in the world won't do it for you... so...there's always a new flavor of Carmex to bring the good mood in right!  Or pens... have I mentioned the pens???

Food for thought:  The Simpsons Movie is even funnier at 4:47am...

♫♪Grandpa...Tell Me 'Bout the Good Ole Days...♪♫

I never thought I would find myself in a world without Grandpas...It's a weird notion...and I never thought about it.  I took for granted the fact that mine and Antonio's parents had us at early ages...and that we were having our children early and that they would be surrounded by grandparents and so much more love than they would get from us.  Wow... I couldn't have BEEN more wrong.  Just added it to the laundry list of things I have been wrong about and moved on...  When I grew up, I had my pop's dad, my mom's mom and her third husband who I lovingly referred to as Grandpa Davy and my mom's dad was more like a watermark on our lives because his wife was bat-chit crazy mang. 

When my mom got remarried, even though I could have cared less for the man, I really liked his parents.  I loved is parents...they were my grandparents.  I loved how his mom insisted on getting everyone's addresses in line at the grocery store.  I thought it was ridiculous, but I really loved it. It screamed the time she came from.  My Grandma Mary was very progressive and very few things came from her as a shadow of the past.  She wouldn't step foot oustside in her housecoat and she wouldn't receive guests without filling them food...other than that, she had some very progressive thoughts.  Loved it.  I had sooo much grandparent love it was ridiculous.  I even remember telling Grandma Mary that...  I was happy I had so much multigenerational experience to fall back on.  And of all things that I wanted for my children that I did or didn't have as a child...  they won't have that.  They have their grandma's.  That's it.  As of probably this weekend, they will be in a world without Grandpa's.  My pop was taken from us when I was 22...  Yeah, I had him for a while...but I wasn't done with him yet. 

Luckily, I had an awesome fiancee (husband now) and his family was awesome...  I thought, I know that if I ever needed anything in the dad realm, I could call my future father in law in an instant and he would drop what he was doing to help me.  So, I said goodbye to my pop and figured that you just can't have too many good things in life and someone decided before the levee broke that something had to go...  And now, my beloved father in law is talking to his wife about taking him off life support because he is ready to leave behind his disease riddled body. 

My daughters, Thing 1 and Thing 2, are in very different positions... Thing 1 is 6 and a half and can remember all the times she spent Friday and Saturday at Grandpa and Grandma's and spent all day Friday with Grandpa cause Grandma works and all day Saturday with Grandma cause she needed to get her time in before Mom and Dad (which am us) came to scoop her up.  She is in a difficult position because she loves her Grandpa and doesn't want him to go.  Thing 2 on the other hand will never know her Grandpa and will only hear the story about how he held on as long as he could to see her born and feel her soft little feet on his cheek because he couldn't hold her hand. 

When one door opens, a window closes and so forth... I can checkerboard a pattern proof of this in my life.  So I can't be too surprised...  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does.  I don't necessarily lead my life in a manner expecting the worst...but I am always prepared for it for the most part.  I know life can't go on perfectly, so I am not terribly dissappointed all the time when things don't go my way.  Pleasantly surprised is always a good way to be...  and particularly bummed is a common occurence.  Fine.  I can deal with that.
But when I can't deal with it...I get my hair done...Or I polish my nails. Or change the laces in my shoes.  It's these small things in life that I CAN control completely that help me get through the organized chaos of my life.

Meanwhile, here I sit, work completely done waiting for a phone call from my sweet sweet partner in life who hasn't dealt with this at all and will definitely need someone at his side when it does...because it will...and it'll hit the poor guy like a ton of fuckin bricks.  And that is why I am here, I am here to catch him when he falls... I feel damned lucky that I GET to catch him when he falls. That's why I'm his wife :) 

On a completely different note: did you know that you can find Transformers the original cartoon on at 4am?