I have work to do , but it's oh so not going to happen right this second...way too much on my damn mind...
Ever since my first single parent summer night started, the kids have been good. I have tried to make a miniscule mark in the history of the housework. I made one here, one there... I try. I have made a dinner that was delicious and nutritious. I have gone out for food once. I think that's pretty good... all the dinner's in between are probably suspect... fine. Harley's homework gets done, kids get cleaned and rooms get cleaned... sometimes... but no real drama... but I was waiting.
I put forth a very ambitious night for myself last night. Usually, Choni gets the groceries with his stadium money and he keeps that money so it feeds us through the winter and by the time he starts at the stadium he is in need of more. And that's what works for us... Yay! Well, because of the whole increase in cost of living and he's been on the same wages since he started 6 seasons ago...our food budget gets a little tighter each year and now we have another mouth to feed... and I MEAN IT!!! The human garbage disposal is a medal I didn't think Choni would be sharing with a child...but he does and it's his child so I guess it's sense making... Moving on...
Well...
When your kid mentions how empty your fridge and freezer and cupboards are...it's time to think about things...so I thought about why that is and that we are due for a shopping trip on Saturday and then Daddy will probably be stocking up on things but then I thought about why we were shopping Saturday... cause Daddy didn't have his first paycheck and he didn't want to put gas in the van to go to gma's... so we would stay put and go grocery shopping... Hmmm... well I thought EFF IT!! I'm getting food! So I gave myself a budget, thought about the stuff that I could be making while Daddy is working...and I shopped. Poor Marysu though... She was stuck in her car seat all day...
See... in order for Daddy to get to work on time and not infringe on my day as he HATES to do and for us to not have to pay a sitter... he drives to my work (45 minutes) and THEN goes to work after dropping the kids off with me (15-20 minutes)... so, kids are in the car 45 minutes. Then they have a return trip with me for another 45 minutes... That's hard on kidlettes with NO concept of time.
I mulled over the Surprise Food Trip in my head all the way home. By the time we got home, I figured it was a go. Inside it was nice and warm, unlike the outside weather which was gray and storm-like ickiness... We warmed up inside, kids played a minute or two and then we were off. I cheated HUGE and the first and hopefully one of FEW times we ate out on Daddy's work schedule was McDonald's in the Wal-Mart. Talk about one-stop shopping. We ate, we shopped, we filled the cart. There were two diaper changes and trips to the bathroom, a spill of apple slices and two cups of juice before we left the store. By the time we got home it was time to get teeth brushed and pj's on and only a few minutes later it was bed time.
This is one of the times of my day I absolutely love. The kids don't always go to sleep right away...but listening to them sit there and chatter... It's priceless... Harley was so completely utterly meant to be a big sister...she has her moments because she's seven folks... but she is such a great helper and she LOVES her little sister so much...and Marysu just adores the big kid she shares her room with as I'm sure she pictures in her head must be her name... I folded laundry and put away dishes to chitter chatter that turned into slight whines and then gentle snores... took my shower, went to bed...the soda I had right before bed didn't agree with me, which was awesome cause it'll keep me from doing that EVER again (Welcome, Thirties!)...
Last night was awesome sauce... So why "The Other Shoe..."??
I have been sitting and waiting... apart of my brain has been 100% on alert to deal with "kid business" of ANY sort... spilled drinks, spilled ANYTHING, dirty ANYTHING, crazy cranky ANYTHING... and nothing... I'm fine, kids are fine, Choni is fine...
My coworker is NOT fine..her hubby is NOT fine. I feel like I'm on the other side of the desk from my MIL this time last year...or maybe even further back than that cause they're not there yet... but I feel like they're going there...and I don't want to go there again with ANYBODY right now. I want them to be fine... I have been waiting and anticipating the other shoe to drop on me...but it seems to have aimed poorly and hit my rad awesome coworker. I would be DEVASTATED if something happened to Antonio... no matter what no matter when...
My horribly cynical self was trying to save me from this...this right here... I felt the "What if I lost MY husband??" for two years...and Now I'm feeling it again...and all it does is prove that few things are scarier in life than losing the things that you LOVE so much that there really isn't a word worth the description of the feeling you have... LOVE is not enough... it's just not..but it's the closest I can get... there are people that you lose in your life and you go on...and life goes on..and that's fine...but there are some people, I know that if I lost them... My world would fall apart even for a moment... it would happen... I might comeback and bounce back and what comes out will be a version of me, but not he same me, because the same me would require that person to be around...and they're not... I can't imagine if I tried what she must be going through. I feel for her kids... I can do that... but I can't help her or be there for her FULLY because I don't know. I'll do what I can, I'll do her work. I can do THAT...at least... but just when we thought things were going to be great... they're not... and now my day has been funkified all day because I can't get them out of my head... These are damn good RADASS people... and I literally am sick for them... My heart literally hurts for them... Like, I-could-be-dying-of-heart-disease kind of hurts... Or I-probably-just-need-a-tums-because-I-had-coffee-this-morning hurts...but it started the second I heard...and some things you just can't un-hear... dammit...
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