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What seems like long ago in a land far, far away and also like yesterday at the same time...my Pop left us for an ethereal plane where he can play guitar and harmonica simultaneously...cause he couldn't seem to do it here on Earth... 
My Pop and I had a connection..  the kind of thing where I didn't need to call  him every day because I knew things were good with him and he knew things were good with me and if he ever got the notion that I was holding something back he would check with Ma.  Funny...because they had to get divorced to become best friends...  Weirdos...
He said something to me once that I switched around to help  me cope with losing him...
I once complained about not getting very much attention from my mother.
At the time I felt I lived with her because I had to, not because I wanted to.
As the years went on with me, Ma, the THEN husband and my elder sister, I noticed the pattern.  I didn't really NEED the attention that she was getting from Ma.  It was negative attention.  I didn't get attention because I didn't need it, not really.  And because I didn't go to Ma with every single little thing, when I DID need her, she was there because she KNEW it was important stuff if I was going to her with it. 
So, when I lost my dad too early for my liking...I thought about it.  Why the HELL would God take my dad from me? He wasn't a bad person...  he was a good guy...why do bad things happen to good people and all that crap... I went through it all. 
And I thought about it..  in terms of my coping mechanism, I thought to myself, "He left because he knew I didn't need him anymore."  Pop was always smarter than the average Papa Bear...  He was a brain ninja...he'd throw his little verbal ninja stars and the shit would HIT you out of nowhere.. or he'd tell you how things were going to turn out and no matter how much you didn't like it or thought it was wrong... turns out YOU were the one that was wrong my friend...  Therefore, he must have known that life would go on just fine for us all without him.  He was such a blessing to my step mom, and step siblings lives, turned them around really...  he did his job.  It was time for him to sit back and watch his work from a better POV (that's movie people talk for point of view, yeah I threw that out there).
And now you know how I cope. 
Now, for my other dad...  Felipe... definitely taken too soon...and I'm trying so hard to apply the same addage to losing him as I did to losing Pop.  When I saw them after Pop was gone, we went to their house for dinner.  They made me a sympathy dinner of my favorites, bacon wrapped shrimp and chile rellanos and I cried on Antonio's shoulder and I cried on Felipe's shoulder until there was a big wet spot on his designer shirt and he told me that if I ever needed anything I could come to them anytime...and he meant it...and I did.  And from then on I really truly thought of him as a father figure.  The man had so much love he was giving it away and I still feel great honor for being one of the many recipiants.  I can't even say I'll miss him because it's not the right word. Not by a long shot.
I can think of a million people who needed him to stay ...  but I can think of one that will be just fine...
My fantastic husband is fantastic because of three people... His mom, his dad, and himself.  And there's alot of his dad in there because he was the odd job, different job type of guy and always seemed to be available to Antonio when he was little.  Sort of like how Antonio is with our kids.  Funny how the acorn doesn't fall far from the nuthouse...
Antonio and Felipe didn't really have a lot in common. It seemed to me that it was hard for Felipe to relate to his son..because he was raising a completely different person from himself.  Felipe lost his father when he was young and Antonio grew up with both parents.  Felipe had 6 brothers and sisters and Antonio was an only child, spoiled rotten to the core unlike Felipe.  He even took to taking in kids (family, friends of Antonio's, friends kids) who were going through a tough time or a little troubled themselves because he had a lot of wisdom for kids like that but he couldn't really pass it to Antonio because that wasn't Antonio's world...
And Felipe realized something as Antonio got older...  he didn't radiate the need for a positive male figure like young Felipe did...because Antonio already had it...  He didn't need to look any further than his own living room.  Or right behind him, which is where his dad always was.  And always will be.  And that is how I am comforting my husband.  His dad left because he raised his son up right... and there was just nothing else he could offer him. 
Of course, his wife won't be comforted by that because she has lost her soul mate...and you'll never "not need" your soulmate.  Harley will be missing out on time with her grandpa who couldn't have loved her more if he tried and Marysu... we'll be able to tell the stories..it won't be the same but it'll have to do. Hopefully she'll be comforted by what will surely be tears streaming down our faces during the tales...
I'm sure it sounds odd, but someone knows something we don't...and maybe that something is that we really will be just fine without them and they knew that. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
Now, here is your pink slip, you can pick up your last paycheck in the HR department...

6 degrees of Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band...

That's right...I wrote that...  There is a musical group called Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band and my mom LOVED them... she had the record, the tape, the record recorded ONTO a tape...  And that's what we had in our house as a child...amongst MANY other musical groups and ecclectic collections of records and tapes.  Yay us.  Well, I just had to say that I can pin point when I knew that I was going to LOVE Antonio's parents..  I already told you our story.  Okay Fine.  Well, there are things in life that make things click...So many things made us click.  And I was so scared after all of the "getting to know you" part was basically over and we were totally in love, gourmet cheese style, I still had to meet his parents. 

Know this: NO boyfriend's parents had EVER liked me.

Not EVER...

The closest I had come in my life was a friend, that was a boy, had a mom that wanted me to date her son so she could call me the daughter she never had.  I was 11 then... that doesn't count.  I didn't date her son...  so it REALLY doesn't count.  Maybe it was the brazenness of my dress?  You think?  XL surf shirts and baggy jeans...oh yeah, call me Jezebel!

Anyhoot...I had already heard the horror stories about Antonio's parents giving girlfriends past the cold shoulder (for very good reason it turns out) but who was I to be considered any better at this early point in our relationship?  It's winter/spring in the I.E., that means torrents of rain and my poor honey drove a Ford POS that we referred to as the Snot Rocket (it was green ya'll) and the Rocket was out of commission.  I didn't have my car because I was transitioning from my first car to my next car and I had to get a ride from my ex steppie... bummer...  He said he'd give me a ride home, SWEET!  But he had his dad's car and he almost jumped off the cliff about it.  I thought, how bad could it be?  Geo Metro bad...haha!  If you've never been in one, they're nothing to scoff at...I couldn't believe the leg room in this thing!  It was amazing!  It could have been make out city..but it was his DAD'S car...ew.  We get out on the road and head to Temecula with a quick stop at J.Box...CHILI CHEESE CURLY FRIES!!  Ahem...they need to bring those back...Just sayin... 

I'm nosey by nature, I can't help it.  I'm observant to the point of sneakery and I don't care who knows it.  I was looking all over the car checking stuff out and came across the CD case under the seat.  You can tell a whole lot about people from the music they listen to.  Music is like soul candy, or atleast it is to me.  So I'm thinking, I can get a leg up on these people, have something to talk about.. The Clash, The Police, Andre Boccelli, DiVinyls, The Best of Simon and Garfunkel, Al Green, Earth, Wind and Fire... it's looking pretty damn decent.  Until I come across the I Ching...  Something I hadn't seen in years because my mom had lost her last tape and we got her the CD when we lived in El Toro, but what happened? Got lost in the move...I just about cried...  I really really did... 

THAT moment, right there...before holding a full conversation with them, I knew it was going to be alright.  I knew they would be awesome, they would everything that everyone should have in in-laws...and yes people, I knew they would be in-laws then...  I truly did...Gourmet Cheese is served.

I think of Dr. Buzzard and I can SMELL my mom's Clinique perfume the memories are that strong.  Sitting in that car for the first time ever and I was immediately comforted...I was always comfortable around Antonio since day one...  that was just another link in the chain my friend...  Just another link...and it only got longer and stronger from there....

and now I want chili fries...

Rule # 32: enjoy the little things...

Obsession?  Or organic Prozac?  Either way, I love me some lip gloss...It's funny the things that make you feel better.  Just little things.  These are just the ones that I keep on me at any given time.  This is isn't even what I have at home...  (evil chuckle)  I can't help myself....  but hey, they get used so they don't go to waste and I figure what's a few dollars here and there if means keeping me out of the looney bin?  Because sometimes, I can sit and think about things and over thinking is something that comes very naturally to me...  If it weren't for things like chapsticks and lip balms shooting that happy feeling through my body once in a while I could go mad.  I don't always have access to the things that make me ecstatic i.e. Choni, Harley, Marysu, Ma...my many, many, many members of extended family...  So, once in a while, on my lunch I'll venture into Wal-Mart or Target and see what's doin in the lip department.  Choni doesn't mind this behavior due to it giving me silky smooth lips. Hah!

This is also one of those things I can control.  When life is throwing me to a whirlwind and isn't going in just one direction, I slow it down a little by just sitting down and thinking, "Can't control this and can't control that...  but... "  and it comes to me.  Maybe a new nail polish is the ticket?  Or chapstick?  My kids make me happy, even when they're being bad...they are being perfectly healthy and bad...  I'll take it... I'll reel in that awful behavior reminding myself I am a Mom who gives a shit or two to do so in the first place and I start to feel better...if Harley does what I say?  I get a false sense of power of Wonder Woman proportions and then I am the one who needs reeling in ;) 
Right about now, I could really use a new chapstick...not really...but YOU know what I mean.
Over the weekend, I cleaned the kids room...again...  I have done that about a hundred times.  Why?  because I can control it.  I can control how clean that room is, how everything is organized... 
Because I can't control my poor hubby's feelings..I can't control my poor father in law's breathing for him so he can come home and say goodbye to us on his own terms. 
So I douched my house :)  And then the dog trapsed through the dining room with muddy paws... 
It's still there...
I moved on ...

I also love food...I try to keep it a luxury as far as the goodies go...and I try to make my own to keep the "processed foods intake" down in our house.  I try to make as much as I can.  I make my own frozen waffles ;)  But food is supposed to fill us with nutrients, not provide entertainment value.  I make a conscious decision each and every day not to find comfort in food, which is hard.  But once in a while...I will indulge in an extra Coke.  I already bring my own Dr Pepper to work so I don't break my bank buying them individually from work.  I DO buy them here though.  One of the few reasons I do so:  To ensure that the vending machine is here the next day!  There are so many things here that we take for granted at my job, I don't want vending machines to become one of them.  So every once in a while I throw my $.85 in there and out pops an ice cold refreshment!  On the weekends, though...the gloves are off! 

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm a simple creature..I'm able to keep it simple by sticking to the small things that bring a smile to my face on a daily basis and sometimes, you can get yourself into a mood where looking at picture of the two most special faces in the world won't do it for you... so...there's always a new flavor of Carmex to bring the good mood in right!  Or pens... have I mentioned the pens???

Food for thought:  The Simpsons Movie is even funnier at 4:47am...

♫♪Grandpa...Tell Me 'Bout the Good Ole Days...♪♫

I never thought I would find myself in a world without Grandpas...It's a weird notion...and I never thought about it.  I took for granted the fact that mine and Antonio's parents had us at early ages...and that we were having our children early and that they would be surrounded by grandparents and so much more love than they would get from us.  Wow... I couldn't have BEEN more wrong.  Just added it to the laundry list of things I have been wrong about and moved on...  When I grew up, I had my pop's dad, my mom's mom and her third husband who I lovingly referred to as Grandpa Davy and my mom's dad was more like a watermark on our lives because his wife was bat-chit crazy mang. 

When my mom got remarried, even though I could have cared less for the man, I really liked his parents.  I loved is parents...they were my grandparents.  I loved how his mom insisted on getting everyone's addresses in line at the grocery store.  I thought it was ridiculous, but I really loved it. It screamed the time she came from.  My Grandma Mary was very progressive and very few things came from her as a shadow of the past.  She wouldn't step foot oustside in her housecoat and she wouldn't receive guests without filling them food...other than that, she had some very progressive thoughts.  Loved it.  I had sooo much grandparent love it was ridiculous.  I even remember telling Grandma Mary that...  I was happy I had so much multigenerational experience to fall back on.  And of all things that I wanted for my children that I did or didn't have as a child...  they won't have that.  They have their grandma's.  That's it.  As of probably this weekend, they will be in a world without Grandpa's.  My pop was taken from us when I was 22...  Yeah, I had him for a while...but I wasn't done with him yet. 

Luckily, I had an awesome fiancee (husband now) and his family was awesome...  I thought, I know that if I ever needed anything in the dad realm, I could call my future father in law in an instant and he would drop what he was doing to help me.  So, I said goodbye to my pop and figured that you just can't have too many good things in life and someone decided before the levee broke that something had to go...  And now, my beloved father in law is talking to his wife about taking him off life support because he is ready to leave behind his disease riddled body. 

My daughters, Thing 1 and Thing 2, are in very different positions... Thing 1 is 6 and a half and can remember all the times she spent Friday and Saturday at Grandpa and Grandma's and spent all day Friday with Grandpa cause Grandma works and all day Saturday with Grandma cause she needed to get her time in before Mom and Dad (which am us) came to scoop her up.  She is in a difficult position because she loves her Grandpa and doesn't want him to go.  Thing 2 on the other hand will never know her Grandpa and will only hear the story about how he held on as long as he could to see her born and feel her soft little feet on his cheek because he couldn't hold her hand. 

When one door opens, a window closes and so forth... I can checkerboard a pattern proof of this in my life.  So I can't be too surprised...  I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always does.  I don't necessarily lead my life in a manner expecting the worst...but I am always prepared for it for the most part.  I know life can't go on perfectly, so I am not terribly dissappointed all the time when things don't go my way.  Pleasantly surprised is always a good way to be...  and particularly bummed is a common occurence.  Fine.  I can deal with that.
But when I can't deal with it...I get my hair done...Or I polish my nails. Or change the laces in my shoes.  It's these small things in life that I CAN control completely that help me get through the organized chaos of my life.

Meanwhile, here I sit, work completely done waiting for a phone call from my sweet sweet partner in life who hasn't dealt with this at all and will definitely need someone at his side when it does...because it will...and it'll hit the poor guy like a ton of fuckin bricks.  And that is why I am here, I am here to catch him when he falls... I feel damned lucky that I GET to catch him when he falls. That's why I'm his wife :) 

On a completely different note: did you know that you can find Transformers the original cartoon on at 4am?

Donna wants to be a lumberjack when she grows up...

In "That 70's Show", Jackie is always looking to be famous, or even a model.  She gets suckered into going to a scam modeling agency and Jackie thinks it's the real deal.  The woman doing the scamming is checking Jackie out and asks for her money...then she looks at Donna and asks if SHE wants to be a model to which Jackie replies...

And Donna says, "Stop TELLING people THAT!"


When I was in high school, my friend Lores used to tell me I was going to be a serial killer librarian when I grew up.  And this is what she based it on...
when I was in middle school I had a mouth like a sailor.  One day my Pop is hearing me talk to one of my foulmouthed hooligan friends on the phone and he just looks at me...At this point in our relationship, Pop doesn't really care that I was using "that" language, just if I did it around friends of the family and family...  basically everyone that wasn't him...Fine...I respected the SHIT out of that..heh..
I got off the phone and he asked me what was the point of swearing at my age?  No really, he says...what was the point?  I had NO answer for him really...which was a bad thing.  Pop asked you a question, boom, you had an answer... or prepare to be ridiculed...  He explains to me that someone as smart as me at that age should know better than to use such words...why not challenge myself to use better words??  Wow...okay...a challenge of that size coming from my Pop?  Touche, Pop...touche... 
So from then on I considered myself on a quest to NOT swear. 
When I moved from Fountain Valley "A Nice Place To Live" to El Toro/Lake Forest "A Far Off Place", I was misconstrued as a prude...Jesus Freak was a moniker often thrown out.  It seemed quite "The Thing" in my high school to be Christian...Like Rock-a-billy...but with bibles.  Fine.  I went to church with my sister, but it was mostly to join in on her quest to find herself, like getting caught in a jetwash...  Which was odd that we held on to that tradition as long as we did because when I tended to follow my sister in her "jetwash" it turned out more like Mav and Goose and I was always Goose...  Damn that canopy.

With the "Christian" label upon me, I didn't get a lot of dates...It was either that or the braces...  who knows.  It took me Freshman and Sophomore year of high school to find my groove and hook up with some cool people...Lores being one of them and my Guria... I was able to more so explain my views.  I was going the non swearing route due to what I felt at the time was expressing my level of ego intelligence (still actually think that by the way) and I wasn't off having tons of sex (not that I didn't get offers).  I wasn't having ANY sex actually.  And not to be a prude, it wasn't that at all... it was the logistics really...  Plus, my parents put the FEAR in us at a young age.  My mother made it damn clear we weren't to be coming home at any age with the "guess what grandma?" look on our faces.  The fear kept my legs closed til I met my husband.  I wasn't waiting for Jesus...I wasn't waiting for myself...I was waiting for someone that I could atleast picture myself being with for a really long ass time if not forever and I got luckier than a whole country full of four leaf clovers... Yes it's cheesey but it's true, so you must allow for SOME cheesiness here...

How do I put this delicately??  I partied alot...in Middle School.  Hence, I was partied out by 8th grade...due to that and my boyfriend acting really weird when he came back from a trip at his dad's in the summer between 7th and 8th grade it's a miracle I hadn't slept with HIM back THEN.  I know...gross... but it's true.  So when I got to my special band of peeps Junior year of High School, they were just getting warmed up.  Whereas, I preferred a night at home with a Crispy Chicken sandwich combo and extra ranch from Carl's while watching some Revenge of the Nerds, or perhaps Animal House...  Luckily, my Guria decided then that maybe she needed to party a little less and that's how we becamse so close.  Her mother even thanked me a little for keeping her daughter out of the backseat of a cop car.  You are very welcome Zeca :)  Lores however, her boyfriend was into raves and ecstasy... Good for him.  I was NOT about to be getting into that shit because that rave music sucks. I needed to keep my head on my shoulders so I get out of High School and get on with the rest of my life. 
I don't talk to Lores anymore, but if she wants to look for me, that bitch probably always checks the libraries first....

♫♪At Laaaaast...♫♪♫

Today is a very important day in my life :) 

     8 years ago today, I married the love of my life.  Me...the cynical one.  I used to give people very generous amounts of shit about love at first site (can you tell my parents were divorced?) and how it's not possible. 
Yet...I can tell you all about the first day of the rest of my life... 

     I had just enrolled at Mt. San Jacinto College and was new to the area.  I had too many ill fated blind dates to count and first dates that never turned into second dates.  I was working part time at corporate gluttonous video franchise (a.k.a Blockbuster Video) and I decided I wanted to get out of here!  After being promised one thing, and delivered another... I found myself at the 2 year college about to embark on my new journey...  it was August 2000.  One year out of High School and already forgot half the names of those blue gowned morons...  I had Math Mondays and Wednesdays, English and Film Tuesdays and Thursdays and History on Fridays.  It was a fantastic Tuesday.  There was a two and a half hour gap between my English and Film classes and against my better judgement I would go to Target and Jack in the Box.  Then back to the little mini quad in front of the theater where the film class was held.  We walk into the first class like so many mooing cattle and take our seats.  I sat behind a very nice smelling individual and start to play my game to myself "Who in THIS class would I date if they asked me out?"...  Mr. Davis calls out the familiar phrase from teachers all my life "Please let me know if you prefer to be called something other than what I have on my roll sheet as we go along, thank you" and he goes down the list...  we're to the M's and I'm not impressed with this selection brought forth...  Math was incredibly not promising and English was mostly older women and incredibly immature boys.  Film class seemed like it would be a new frontier right?  Nope, not until we got to the N's... 

     I hear Mr. Davis say the name on the roster and as I'm leaned over into my over flowing backpack, up pops the nice smelling one infront of me and stands there in the middle of the theater, making a runway-esque circle in place and informs Mr. Davis and a booming voice with a mischievious smile "Call me Antonio!"...  and with a smirk, he sits down...but not before shooting a glance my way...and there it started...  I started to get to that mini quad earlier before the class started and there he would be.
Sitting on the brick planter with his sketchbook out, tongue in cheek, dressed very nicely, smelling good!  And keeping to himself.  At first I thought, oh no...he's too good looking, too good smelling.  Hair is too nice...  I honestly thought for a second that maybe girls weren't his thing.  I had yet to come across a guy this kempt.  But no, I noticed him glancing my general direction. And me being me, I always thought it was because he had never seen a thing so hideous before in his life. 

     Oh no, he was looking I came to find out later.  We started the small talk chit chat and soon I was getting there earlier and earlier...and I thought it odd that a guy who girls seemed to flock to (and they did) would be sitting in one spot so long before this class started.  So I asked if he had an earlier class and he did. Jogging.  Okay, that's...cool?  So, we talk every Tuesday and Thursday before class and pretty soon I find myself BOLTING out of English Lit towards the mini quad to get THAT much more time in. 
One day, it's announced...we will be touring Warner Brothers Studios!!!  The good smelling one turns around immediately!  "Shotgun in your car!!" as we would not be taking a school funded bus ride.  He had seen me in my car by then... a brown 1977 Impala that I lovingly referred to as Max :)  My first car...  I thought he was kidding...  so I shrugged it off and my new friend Anna Banana and I went off in our own world again.

     Day of the field trip, two weeks before our final, he shows up...with a girl in his car... WTF???  I thought he had some balls to bring another chick along with us!  I mean, the good old fashioned rudeness was there, and then the fact that I started to really like him was making it worse.  He rolls up with this little blondey and the first thing comes out of my mouth "I only have enough seatbelts for me you and Anna"....  along with the dirtiest look I think I have ever shot.

     "Oh no, I'm just dropping her off"... wow, quick defense... must be true.  We spent the whole way up small talking with Anna Banana...  She fell asleep in the car all the way down and that's when we got to know eachother...

     It was perfect...he was so perfect for me... I was so steeped in past treachery that I didn't even catch the pick up that he wanted to go out that night after we returned to school, but I was beat and I could feel a sinus attack from being in LA all day coming on...so I said I was going home and going to bed... lame...
Two weeks later, our final.  I take tests quickly and was done when he was only halfway through...so I turned back, saw his progress (or lack thereof) and started to doodle on the back of my test...  mid doodle I saw him getting up and I got myself up and turned in my test right behind him.  We get outside and as I am mid open mouth, about to say something, girls flock like a moth to goddman flame!  No joke, I swear this is 100% accurate portrayal...  I meet his eyes and he sees me walk toward my car...I start walking faster when I hear bounding footsteps behind me.  I walk a little faster...a little faster, I'm making him chase me :)  I watch too many movies...Anyhoo, we talk by my car for about 1 hour...then we get food... he sees I like to eat...he's enticed... He offers up a movie watching night and I agree... He offers up the Grinch movie, showing his listening skills that I had mentioned I wanted to see it months before... keeper!  We see the Grinch, we go dutch cause I don't know if it's a date or not.  We part ways  :(  That was the last day of film class!  The next day I am depressed as all hell not knowing how to get ahold of this guy and I see him walking towards the Arts building as I am walking away from my history final...  what were the chances???  He was just dropping off his art final so he had the rest of the morning to himself :)  I was going to Target to get my sister a pan for Christmas for her new place and he came with me!  My mom was so dialed in to my boring life thus far that she was beeping me (yes beeping) and he thought for a split second "Dear God what did I just step into this girl is on a leash" but not, Ma just knew my schedule so well it was odd not to be home.  We exchanged pieces of art...mine a script I wrote and his a movie he made, I wrote my number in HUGE red letters and even drew a heartlike circle around it...no phone call.  He grew up near where I grew up and he said if I ever went back let him know and we'll go together...well, I was looking for an excuse to visit, so I called him that Monday after I spent all weekend going over it with my friend and sister.  No call back until Tuesday evening.  His dad gave him the message just as he was walking out the door to work.  He was late to work to call me back!!  Hah!!  We went on our excursion on Wednesday morning and by Wednesday evening we were a couple.  Not just dating, we were together.  I knew it, if he had said "Let's go to Vegas and make it official" that night, I would have gone. 

So that's the long boring story...there are more things we have that make it so we were really meant to be together, but I'll bore ya'll with that later!!!   Our first date was in fact the Grinch... Dec. 14th 2000...  We got engaged Dec. 7th 2002 and our wedding day was 8 years ago today!  And it turns out...white is not our color ;)

My kids' nina is better than your kids nina...

My bfff lives in the PacNW.  She moved there a few years ago and I am still suffering from separation anxiety.  Atleast I'm not outside digging holes and peeing in the hall bathroom like Sadie, my fantastically neurotic mutt.  I just have a hard time still not being able to call her up and say "Ruby's on the pier this weekend beyotch!" And have it be that.  The only other person that I am closer to is Choni -baloney.  That's it.  She's my sister sent from the ever holy one when he saw that the one he first set me up with wasn't cutting the proverbial mustard...  yay. We have known each other since Jr year of high school and its been Gurias through thick and thin. Guria.means girl in Portuguese so not only am I fluent in Spanglish,  but Engluese as well :) yay!   My Guria works at the U Dub and brought this for her newest godchild...  cause she's RAD like that!