Flash Sideways...

For when it's not really a Flash Back and it's certainly NOT a Flash Forward, cause then I'd be psychic... and a lotto winner.


Some things have been creeping around in the backs of brain...the corners of my mind if you will...

I was looking back at a time when we were apartment dwellers...

When we had a psycho land lady...

Mostly due to the "Hi, I'm your house, and now that you are here, I'm going to break on you muhfuckers!!" type stuff that we've had go on this summer.

Nothing we couldn't handle... just a lot of swipe-swipe-monies-gone.  Fine...

When I think about what we paid on rent, and what we paid to "fix" the problem(s)...  wow... I'm still in the pink... we are still better off...and that's amazing to me.  Between Homeowner's insurance, mortgage, PMI all rolled up into one beautiful payment versus what we would be paying for that space in rent... we win...  so far... but still.  We WIN!!!  hehe...  I had some serious doubts, some total almost OH my GAWD meltdowns about what had we done?  What had we gotten ourselves into?  First it was MY fault... cause I did this...cause I was all alone...right? Not really.  I have a silent silent partner... who sometimes seems like such a silent partner, you'd think he was second cousin to Harvey The Rabbit... not so...

We made the decision to jump in when the jumping was good...and we'll still come out on top in the end...but the END is so far away... and in the END it won't be US that really truly benefits, it'll be our kids... Our house is their security.. because it's what we can do for them...and in all this "Oh my gawd what did we get ourselves into?"  I remembered the who-what-where-when-why it all came about...
and I got sad...

I got a little sad cause we were so happy in our simple lives... one kid... one (and then two) car payment(s)....  and then there was carrying groceries up flights of stairs because Choni thought it would be best to go that route with the kid...an upstairs apartment is less likely to get broken into...fine.  I see that...

If I could have kept ANY apartment, I would have wanted to keep our first.  It was lovely. It was quaint and adorable, and we had fab neighbors... except of course for that ONE neighbor... you know the one...the one neighbor you have that you know their kid's names, not from KNOWING them, but from HEARING the mom SCREAM them across the apartment complex to come home for dinner and of course you know she talks on the phone on her patio at the top of her lungs so everyone can hear about her detest for her ex... awesome, right? Right. 

I miss that apartment because it was the first place we lived as a couple, an engaged couple, a married couple, and an expectant couple...that apartment had so many of our firsts...  SO many...  and I have so little pictures of it...and I have so little tangible memory of it...  but every time we pass we tell Thing 1, that's were WE started and she recognizes it...and now SHE says it... "That's it!  That's our first place!"  I'm going on the technicality of Thing 1 being a zygote but still knowing that was her first home...fine... then her first actual baby outside the belly home was grandma and grandpa's... 

So I remember the fun and I have fond memories, but we had some hard times also.

Here's the thing, as far as our relationship goes, me n mister are pretty damned solid especially for today's world.  Also there's the whole "Relationships are work".  I'm not going to say that relationships are easy, or that if they're good they're easy.  They're still work.  Don't ever let anyone tell you different.  But it's like this:

Relationships are work.  They're the kind of work you do at a job that you LOVE.  You eat-sleep the job, you can't wait to get there, and you are a little sad when you leave in the afternoon but you are immediately perked back up when you realize that you get to sleep, wake up and do it all over again...  aaawwww....

Then there's the bad relationship...The Relation-shit.  Relationshits are work at a job you fucking hate and can't wait to get fired or have the balls to quit, but you want to get fired so you can collect unemployment and if you quit, then it's your fault you have no job...and everyone pretty much wants/needs a job right?  Right...so Relationshits are jobs where you are sending your resume out on your work email cause you just.don't.give.a.fuck.

...I would like to add I am DAMN proud of that analogy...between my sister and my mom and their dating woes, I have managed to work out this here analogy between relationships and relationshits and how you know which one you're in...  DAMN proud of myself... and guess which one I have???

hehehe...

Anyways, where was I?  Oh yeah, Flash Sideways...  In remembering our past places, places of and in our past, I thought about what it must have looked like on the outside... I thought about our "times" we were having and sometimes I thought, wow, we were having a hard time, or wow, we had a down period... well, here's the thing.  We WERE...but it wasn't US.  What was happening was happening to US as a unit, not between the two of us.  Any true unhappiness I have been apart of since I've been coupled was caused by outside forces... we were always teamed up and ready to go.  So we had bummed out periods, but us, WE were good, solid.  We were better than okay.  But still, not bright and shiney unicorns shitting rainbows kinds of times going on...and we got through it as a unit...then I think of those times and Thing 1...and she was growing and learning during those times...she was eating on her own, she was potty training, she was speaking, thinking, learning. 

Now, we have another that is speaking, thinking, learning...  Not REALLY speaking, it's that "twin talk" that only we understand...but we hear it.  It's there. 

I say Flash Sideways because we are remembering what was going on when Thing 1 did the things that Thing 2 does...  oh yeah, the apartment, apartment 2 or apartment 1?  Well, if Thing 1 was born, obviously 2...oh yeah, I hated that place, the downstairs neighbors, the light in our bedroom window at night while we were TRYING to sleep, the THIS and the THAT...and then I wonder, were we EVER happy there?  And then psycho's house... were we EVER happy there?  And the wife part, were you unhappy with ME there?  So I bring up that Mister was unhappy when we were there...and he says yeah kinda..and we talk and realize...it wasn't with eachother we had these feelings and it was all about the place and the situation not being awesome and how we DID have to try EXTRA hard to enjoy ourselves because it's NOT fun to rent someone else's house or an apartment...

Buyer's remorse?  Maybe... but it comes in flashes and spurts like PTSD.  (or so I imagine of course, I wouldn't really know, but it's my closest analogy)

Buying the house always trumps NOT having bought the house...  I think what's happening is that so much time has passed since apartment 1 and 2 that I can look back now with fonder memories, and that's why this is so new to me.  So new to think "wow, we had a good time, why did we buy a house?" but it's all relative...it's time... time passes and we sometimes forget the negative...at least I have been known to do that a time or two.  I don't always WANT to remember the bad, especially if I feel like it's not going to do me any good down the road.  I definitely believe in guarding yourself. that's a given in life, it's necessary to remember certain things from the past so you don't repeat.

But these flashes seem more like flash sideways to me...because when I remember these things in these places lately, Thing 2 is doing things that Thing 1 did in these past places...and I see the wee one crawl into her booster seat to eat, and I get a flash of the big one doing the same thing at the same place in a different place where we were the same family that loved eacthother the same...just in a different place...  See?  Sideways...  Right now, it doesn't feel like I have to go BACK to remember.  It feels like I just have to step to the side...

Like the eye trick, you cover one eye to see one side, and you switch eyes and you see another side.  Sometimes I feel like if I cover one eye, I see here and now...and if I switch, I see then and there...

See?  Sideways...